I am glad you are doing better. Grief does take a while, sometimes a long while to get over. And as you are finding out sometimes you may think you're doing better then, bam it hits you again. It is important to let yourself grieve. Don't try to fight it or ignore it. But, that said, as you can try to get on with you're normal life too. My son was killed over 9 years ago and I still get hit with grief if I hear a certain song or something.

Take care and hope you continue to get better.

 

Thank you so much for posting. While I don’t love the topic, I “loved” your post.

I love that you’re still here.

I love that you’re honest enough to post.

I love that you’ve found your way back to the Lord.

I love that you’re persevering and pushing forth with a plan.

Thank you for your honesty, for sharing and being stronger than you know in what has been a horrible tragedy. Life is tough but there are also beautiful, touching moments. Hope to see you trucking out on the great highway of life!

 

Thank you for taking the time to post. Glad to hear you are pushing forward. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience.
Sending a hug and prayers.

 

Hang with us when you can. There's an awful lot of kindness, love, and support here (and a tiny bit of angst and hatefulness). There are some good listeners and some great storytellers and a couple of total richards but good to interact with. Especially when you're lonely.

And good on you about the truck. Wishing you all the best.

 

Thank you Stacy. I hope in some small way i helped you. I am not sure if did but its been a pleasure meeting you and talking and texting with you over the last several months. You know where I live. If you find yourself in the area you are always welcome to stop by. Lunch will be on me. I always tell my wife when I hear from you since she also got to meet you. She is a better People Person than I am and always likes to hear how someone is doing.

Tell the girls I said hello and keep me updated on getting back into driving a truck.

Thomas

 

Thank you Stacy. I hope in some small way i helped you. I am not sure if did but its been a pleasure meeting you and talking and texting with you over the last several months. You know where I live. If you find yourself in the area youare always welcome to stop by. Lunch will be on me. I always tell my wife when I hear from you since she also got to meet you. She is a better People Person than I am and always likes to hear how someone is doing.

Tell the girls I said hello and keep me updated on getting back into driving a truck.

Thomas

Of course you helped. Why would you think you might not have?

 

I had a lot of good conversations with Smurf. He actually managed to change my "take" on a couple of things -- something my husband still hasn't managed to do on ANYTHING. Lol I remember telling him about a thread here that he needed to read and take your husband's posts into serious consideration because he knew what he was talking about and maybe, just maybe, he was more right than a couple of old grumpy fuddy-duddies were.

As much as I felt his loss I'm sure it doesn't even start to compare with what you and the girls have been through. And I will say that every time I've thought of him I've also thought of you and the girls -- and prayed that God has given you some measure of comfort, as I am sure he is in heaven with Him.

Thank you for thinking of us. I miss your posts, also, and hope that some day you will be able to come back and chat with us regularly. Know you hold a special place in the hearts of SB members and you are ALWAYS welcome. 😘

 

I’m sorry this happened to Y’all🙏
You seem to have a handle on things…your daughters need you, sometimes that’s enough💪👍❤

 

Thank you for the update!

I've had my class A for 32 years ... It does kinda get in your blood ...

May the peace and mercy of God be with you as you go forward with your life.

 

Thank you for posting. This board is filled with good people who genuinely care about each other. Life is hard, but friends can help ease the burden.
My sister took her own life. What bothers me the most is knowing how much pain she must have felt, for so long.
I wish you nothing but good things, and I respect your strength immensely.

 

Thank you and God help you through your situation. Please, post when you can, and ask for help, if needed. You can pm us mods privately.

 

Thank you so much for your kind reply to my post. As others have said, hang in there with us and know we're always here to "talk" if you need us. Keep going girl!

 

@Mrs. Smurf, I can't imagine what you've been going through, but I would say you're in our collective prayers. All of us had some type of adversity and struggles in life and relationships and I'm pretty sure God doesn't allow anything beyond what we can handle. I've seen too many suicides in my military career and it's hard to understand, even more so with those who have families. You're on the right road to recovering and leaning on your Faith is so important. Hang in there friend!

ROCK6

 

Funny story...

Quite sometime back, I was replying to a post from someone on here named Steve. Smurf immediately came back and asked me how in the hell I know his name.

I replied that I didn't, I was replying to someone else. We traded some posts after that.

That just sprang up from my memory.

Life happens! We all have our issues and those that don't yet will get them if they live long enough.

Live your life! You have to look really hard for life's little pleasures sometimes.

I hope all goes well for you in the future and realize...... We All in This Together!

 

I lost my wife 9 years ago when she was 31. So much of what you said is some hardcore truths and reminds me of my own journey. I am glad to hear that you have persevered. Losing such a major part of your life is incredibly hard. I found being with people helped me. I didn’t even need to talk to them but be with them. Thank your the update.

 

Hey all,

Warning. Jerry D length post here.

It has been almost a year and half since we lost Smurf and even though I am not around here much these days, I wanted to do an update for those that care. I actually told @hatchet jack I was going to do this weeks ago, but the truth is that being here hurts more than I care to deal with right now since Smurf and I actually met here. I have also stayed away because of what this post will say shortly. It isn't the type of thing I wanted to tell you all, but its not something I want hanging in the back of my mind.

First, I want to (again) say thank you for those that left kind words, messages, called or donated to help the girls and I out in those initial days and weeks. Unless you've been there yourself, I dont think any of you will ever know exactly how much they helped me hold on at first.

Secondly, the truth. I went back and re-read my original thread on Smurfs death. In it, I went on a tangent about Steves death being 100% an accident. Obviously situations like a self inflicted gun shot wound are fluid and can change.

The truth is that his death was ruled and likely actually was suicide.

In the beginning, when his body was first found, they thought murder, then it went to "100% sure accident" due to the position he was in. I wont go into details on that on an open board, but I woll say it was an extremely odd position. Once toxicology came back, the situation changed. He was found with 170 mg Benedryl and half a bottle of wine in his system.

I fought it at first. Even went as to start.the process of finding a death investigator, but in the end, I honestly have to say I agree that is likely what happened.

Steve was, at his core, a great man, but I don't think it was a big secret that he had his issues. Some of them were pretty severe, but they weren't the type of thing you would notice by posting in an online forum. He lived a life that was filled with trauma and horrible abuse from the time he was a child on.

It left scars that he was never able to fully heal. We did what we could to try and help him, but the truth is that there are some things you never heal from.

But looking back, he planned it. Right down to ensuring his body would not be discovered until I rang the warning bell by putting himself into that odd position. It was done exactly 3 months after the girls turned 18, exacly 3 months - to the day - of one of thr girl's birthday, exactly one month to the day after our wedding anniversary and exactly 1 week to the day he rolled from his last home time and our last fishing date. His last words to me: "I love you. It will be okay."

I can even tell you he made his decision in February. That was when he became super happy and nothing could bother him. I actually commented to my best friend about it and how odd it was for him to behave that way all the time.

He left no note that we have found so far. Could it be in his stuff? Possibly, but his stuff is in a storage unit and to date, I haven't been able to bring myself to go through it.

Grief is an awful thing no matter who you lose. The grief of losing a spouse is worse than any other grief I have ever felt.

The grief of losing a spouse who chose death is 10 times worse. As sad as it is, I catch myself jealous of those who get the chance to nurse their spouse or partner through illness before they go. They get the chance to make peace, to say goodbye, to have closure. There will never be closure with Steves death. There will always be questions and what ifs. Its just the nature of the beast and something I have had to learn to accept.

The last 15 months being described as Hell on Earth would be putting it mildly. I did okay for around 6 months, but at that point, grief paralysis set in.

If you've never heard that term, its basically grief that is so profound that it steals your ability to function on even the most basic level. I spent almost 4 months not moving from my couch or bed. I stopped showering, stopped cooking, stopped brushing my hair and stopped talking for the most part. I sat and stared at the wall.

Steve once told me that truly broken people don't function. For those 4 months, I was truly broken.

Until I went to bed one night in January and what little sanity I had left in me, snapped. I laid in that bed and realized I was planning my own suicide because I didn't want to hurt like that for the rest of my life. I screamed the word please over and over again for what seemed like forever. Nothing but that word iver and over in between sobs.

I cant tell you what I wabeggkning for exactly - please make the pain stop, please bring him back. please kill me, but I figured if anyone was actually listening, they would know what I meant. Then, out of nowhere, a calm and peace like I have never felt at any other point in my life, came over me and I was sound asleep a couple of minutes later.

The next day, my sister by choice called me and realized what was going on. She helped pull me out of that abyss and NO I am not planning my demise anymore.

I had walked away from God at the age of 15, but after that night, I started finding my way back. Even started going to church again, lol.

I moved to Midland and am renting a room off of the same chosen sister. I leave next month for CDL school. Contracting on with a mega but we all have to start somewhere I reckon. I miss the truck and after 13 years, I am done doing the whole blogging thing. Those who know me are not in the slightest bit surprised that I'm going after my own truck, lol.

The girls are managing as well as they can. One is living with friends back near Ft Worth and the other lives in Dallas. One went into restaurant management and the other is working toward going to nursing school. They turn 20 in a few months which is a bit crazy to me..They'll be okay eventually.

I'm healing. Slowly, but it is happening. I even tried dating. Ended that pretty fast as I realized I am not ready for it. 0/10 stars, do not recommend, lol. I am angry and hurt and confused. I understand the why. I forgive him for doing it, but I will never forgive the actual act of what he did.

For the most part I am okay. I no longer have grief days. Now it's moments. I take the stance that I always have. I allow myself to feel them. Now I just move on from them instead of packing my bags and living in them.

I pop in and out here occasionally. Hatchet Jack and @DisgruntledPatriot both have my number. You can ask either of them how we're doing if you're ever curious and I am not around.

Sorry for the book length. Take care ya'll.

Thank you for the horrible post.

When someone decides they just have to go,seldom if ever will anyone be able to stop them.

Lost over a dozen friends to their own hand, and asked myself a million [ or ten million ] times ---- what could I have done.

Learned that there was NOTHING that could have stopped them,yes nothing.

Your healing is amazing and I for one are impressed.

Live long & prosper = yes really !.

 

I had a good friend who killed himself. He left a wife and two sons, one about 12 and the other around 15. I wish he could see what his selfish act did to his wife and family. Not to mention all his friends like me. I was close to him. We visited, drank beer together and talked about cars. His favorite subject.

His act is still being felt by his sons. One day his oldest son came over and asked if it was OK to be here. I told yes why would it not be OK? He said he wasn't sure if anyone would want him around because of his crazy dad. How do you react to a statement like that? That was 15 years ago and now he is happily married to a really good woman and he is dad to her little girl. They are a nice family. But you have to know that somewhere in his mind he is still dealing with his dads death at his own hands.

The younger brother has adjusted well and got married a couple of years ago. But it took its toll on him too with a foray into drugs and a very immoral lifestyle for a few years. I'm glad he woke up and got straightened out. But none of it ever had to of happened. Just a stupid, selfish act.

 

Thank you for posting. You have been in my thoughts although I am awful about expressing them. Was on the highway a few days ago and saw a blue truck, Smurf came mind. You came to mind, with a share of worry. You have always impressed me as a strong person but what was thrown at you can break even the strongest.

Tbh, the accident ruling bothered me. I have handled firearms for many years and it just did not set right. Suicide did not enter my brain. If someone is intent on that, it is going to happen. I think you are the type of person who wants truth, so maybe that in an awful painful way is a bit healing. I think there was great meaning in Steve's telling you things were going to be ok. Maybe he had found some peace.

Many years ago hubs called a friend he had known for decades. It was a strange call and the fellow seemed off. He killed himself a few days later. There are always those thoughts of "what if" but in retrospect, he had decided and wanted nothing to stand in the way. This was a man who was smart, had seen a lot of adversity but, reached his max. It still bothers me though, I cannot imagine what you struggle with.

I too used to think suicide was selfish, not so sure now. I think sometimes our brains just can't. No amount of love stops it. Not sure how to phrase it.

I wish you peace and healing. None of us know what we may have to face, your sharing is courageous. Your girls need you, you know that though. Hugs to you all.

 

I may make a few angry with this, but it is selfish.

Suicide is one of the single most selfish things a human being can do. The exception being a planned medical suicide for someone who is terminal and tired. That was not the case here.

My children did not deserve to turn 18 and lose their Dad with zero warning and goodbye 3 months later. I did not deserve to have plans made for November only to have him gone 5 hours later. We did not deserve a life filled with questions and no hope of actual closure. Moving on is so different when you don't have closure because in truth, you never fully get to move on.

There is zero thought of the people who will be left behind when someone goes through with the act of choosing death over life. No consideration of who will clean up the literal and figurative mess they leave behind. There is a 21 year old "boy" out there now who will forever be scarred after he found Steve that morning.

There is only thoughts of their personal pain and no thought of the pain and mess that will be left behind once they are long gone. That in itself is the very definition selfishness.

Pleade don't misunderstand me. I have been there myself. My wrists bear the scars of my own attempts years ago. So I understand why he did it as much as I can. I even forgive him for making the choice he made. But at the end of the day, I will never forgive the actual act itself or the selfishness involved.

As far as the ruling, it took me months to accept it. Like I said, he was found in an extremely odd place and position. So odd that I couldn't reconcile how he had put himself in that position and place and still fired the gun.

Until I had a dream one night that was just a very short scene of him shutting the truck down when he was done for the day. My brain looped it over and over all night and I realized that one particular thing he would do made the position possible, lined up the shot to match the blood splatter, etc.

I then found an online journal he had kept as a draft in his email while I was on the convoy. Let's just say he was talking about it back then and it was far darker than I ever expected from him even knowing the mental health issues he had.

An accident or murder would have still lacked some closure, but either would have been easier to manage over knowing that he chose to leave.

 

So glad to see ya posting again. As @Cat wrangler has stated, see a certain truck and my thoughts turn to you and the girls. Except for me it was Smurfs avatar of the red classic long nose big truck. Everytime, I would pray for you and the girls that you had peace and comfort.

I'm even happier to hear you've gotten back into church. You crying out "please, please", was your heart crying out to the Living God. And He has given you His peace.

You know as well as I, and others here, that otr is a mission field. All of your experiences of the last several months has given you a platform to speak with other drivers. One that I do not have even if I was still driving otr. So as you study for your CDL, spend time in prayer and study Gods Word. You very well could save the life of another driver.

Post a pic of your truck when ya get it, but keep opsec in mind 😉.

May God Bless you and keep you. May His peace be upon you.

 

A Jeep can do the same. Bought her in July last year on a total whim lol. No regrets.

The number on the fender was his truck number. It gets a lot of questions since most Wranglers have names instead. I've still got to apply the suicide awareness ribbon. I'm being lazy about it lol.

Also added a few pics of life now lol.

 

Reading your post brought back a lot of memory's and feelings for me, many years ago I lost a brother and a best friend to suicide, best friend did it in front of his wife and daughter I've lost count many years ago of how many times I've asked why. Then almost ten years ago I lost my wife, so I have a pretty good idea what your going through unless someone has been through this they cannot know the hole this leaves in your life and the emptiness you feel inside that no one else will ever fill, it's something you never get over you just learn to live with it. All the best to you and I hope someday your happy again.

 

it's something you never get over you just learn to live with it. All the best to you and I hope someday your happy again.

Some people say that "Time heals all wounds". But I really think that all time does is forces you to accept the unacceptable.

 

Hold off on dating.The longer you were together the longer you should wait. Having a strong Christian belief is a definate helper. My brothers son committed suicide then a year later his wife of 40 years died of cancer. It was a hard couple of years. His faith helped him .May God ease your pain .

 

Some of us never get back into it. It’s been 9 years for me. My girls keep me to busy to date anyone. I’m pretty honest with myself. With all the baggage I have, my faded looks, living out of town with two big dogs, I doubt that I’m ever going to be attracting any women anymore especially ones that I would want to date. The ones I’ve met that I would, I won’t. Friends of my kids moms. There are some good catches but I wouldn’t ever put my kids in the middle. Anyway. Rambling over. At a least I have you all. I think that’s a good thing.

 

My dad always said no woman will love your children like you.He never remarried when mom died. I have no desire for another wife if mine goes before me.

 

I've known folk (as we all have/do) that have lost loved ones for a myriad of reasons.

Some can keep on living the life they were living that they shared so much of, with their loved one. Same house, same car, same church pew.

Others though, need to sell the house, move away, get a different car, can no longer go to such and such place, as its all memories and it brings back the grief and pain of their loss.

Going back OTR may bring you comfort in reliving your shared memories. May also bring you pain of heart as you return to various truck stops, or other locations with those memories.

Only you can answer that, and it may be trial and error to find out. Just be careful.

 

I am type 2. I got the life insurance check and moved the same week. I can't go back to that area without an assault of memories and the pain that goes with it. The truck stops don't bother me quite as much unless they are ones we frequently stopped at like Big Chief in Big Cabin, OK. That one hurt pretty bad. La Salle, IL will hurt just as bad since that was a secondary frequent stop. Truth is there are memories literally everywhere for me. I've had to learn to just remember them then force myself to move on. Dwelling on them leads me to camping on the couch for another three months and I can't allow myself to do that.

 

Did the thing. Went to CDL school. Okay, I contracted on with a company but I'm okay with that. No not Swift or England, lol.

Not a single regret and its where I'm supposed to be.

Been here almost a month. Spent the past 2 weeks delivering loads to the cheese caves in MO. Cool, fun, nerve-wracking for a rookie driver lol.



Exam is on Friday. After that I've got 25k miles with an OTR trainer and 30k with another student running team. Assuming all that works out, I'll get my own truck after.



Pics of the caves for those who have never seen them.

 

Did the thing. Went to CDL school. Okay, I contracted on with a company but I'm okay with that. No not Swift or England, lol.

Not a single regret and its where I'm supposed to be.

Been here almost a month. Spent the past 2 weeks delivering loads to the cheese caves in MO. Cool, fun, nerve-wracking for a rookie driver lol.



Exam is on Friday. After that I've got 25k miles with an OTR trainer and 30k with another student running team. Assuming all that works out, I'll get my own truck after.



Pics of the caves for those who have never seen them.


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Cool caves! I’ve never seen them before.

 

Good for you. And welcome to my neck of the woods.

Hope its not Trailiner......

 

Nope. Not them.

 

Whats really freaky of those caves is when they are still being used as quarries. When you get deep enough in there, they have alot of fog. So much so you have to go very very slow as not to run into a wall before seeing it.

 

Caves are fun. Watch the tail swing on the trailer. Yep. I've been in many of them.
Kansas City, Carthage, Springfield, NW Arkansas.......

Glad you are getting things worked out.