I just realized about 2 weeks ago how daftly empty and lonely I felt. It kind of just set in all of the sudden, I woke up in the morning with an extreme sense of want for human interaction, one that I rarely feel as I usually am a loner and am fine with solitude.
Anyways I began feeling extremely lonely and this feeling grew and I have, in the last week started becoming extremely jealous of some of my friends and co workers for no real reason, it just seems to me like their life is so much better than mine.
I began experiencing involuntary celibacy, or the lack of sexual desire, passion and no real want to have sexual interactions with people as of right now. The feeling of loneliness still remains but is much stronger and I have begun to feel much more... in love with female friends of mine, but the feeling is growing to that of jealousy and despair, but not toward lust or obsession as the involuntary celibacy still remains potent.
I have begun hating people who are close to me, such as my family, I realized that I never enjoyed talking to my Father or Mother and no longer pay them visits at all in the last 3 or so weeks. I realized that they are the opposite of me and I have no desire to have any interaction with them, they only hinder the bits of courage and hope that I still have.
I have been experiencing a growing level of depression, and a decreasing level of my highly cynical and misanthropic views on life combined with a much higher acceptance that I can and will die, but at the same time a higher level of not wanting to die at the moment.
My speaking has become much less direct, I am now saying things out loud that I don't mean to say and selective hearing has developed, I will occasionally look into someones eyes while they say something to me, but see right through them and not hear a word they are saying. My thoughts have become extremely loud and I have become more conscious of my being and reality seems to be oh so much more real, I cannot simply forget things or let them pass through me anymore.
I am beginning to show early signs of catatonia, brought on by the increasing feeling of loneliness and despair. I have increased paranoia, anxiety and feel a lot more vulnerable, I have begun fearing things that most people wouldn't normally fear.
I feel an increased desire to create relationships with people, but feel a strong sensation of inhedonia (inability to experience any form of pleasure) and I feel I will never be able to be satisfied in anyway until I develop strong interpersonal relationships and be able to act like a normal member of society, but at the same time my brain is slipping further and further away from the ability to be normal.
I cried for the first time in about 5 years 2 days ago.
I think I am beginning to hallucinate, I hear bells faintly in my ears and my sense of proportion is becoming increasingly off.
Do you think I might have schizophrenia or is this just how everyone feels when they realize that they have been a useless piece of **** all their life?
Anyways I began feeling extremely lonely and this feeling grew and I have, in the last week started becoming extremely jealous of some of my friends and co workers for no real reason, it just seems to me like their life is so much better than mine.
I began experiencing involuntary celibacy, or the lack of sexual desire, passion and no real want to have sexual interactions with people as of right now. The feeling of loneliness still remains but is much stronger and I have begun to feel much more... in love with female friends of mine, but the feeling is growing to that of jealousy and despair, but not toward lust or obsession as the involuntary celibacy still remains potent.
I have begun hating people who are close to me, such as my family, I realized that I never enjoyed talking to my Father or Mother and no longer pay them visits at all in the last 3 or so weeks. I realized that they are the opposite of me and I have no desire to have any interaction with them, they only hinder the bits of courage and hope that I still have.
I have been experiencing a growing level of depression, and a decreasing level of my highly cynical and misanthropic views on life combined with a much higher acceptance that I can and will die, but at the same time a higher level of not wanting to die at the moment.
My speaking has become much less direct, I am now saying things out loud that I don't mean to say and selective hearing has developed, I will occasionally look into someones eyes while they say something to me, but see right through them and not hear a word they are saying. My thoughts have become extremely loud and I have become more conscious of my being and reality seems to be oh so much more real, I cannot simply forget things or let them pass through me anymore.
I am beginning to show early signs of catatonia, brought on by the increasing feeling of loneliness and despair. I have increased paranoia, anxiety and feel a lot more vulnerable, I have begun fearing things that most people wouldn't normally fear.
I feel an increased desire to create relationships with people, but feel a strong sensation of inhedonia (inability to experience any form of pleasure) and I feel I will never be able to be satisfied in anyway until I develop strong interpersonal relationships and be able to act like a normal member of society, but at the same time my brain is slipping further and further away from the ability to be normal.
I cried for the first time in about 5 years 2 days ago.
I think I am beginning to hallucinate, I hear bells faintly in my ears and my sense of proportion is becoming increasingly off.
Do you think I might have schizophrenia or is this just how everyone feels when they realize that they have been a useless piece of **** all their life?
