Maybe letting the wife, or the kids read what you just wrote?
It might bring clarity to them, or at least let them know where you are.

and I'd find a place, not at home, to stash some of the guns...

 

,,,,,

 

There really isn't anything in what I just wrote that I haven't already said to the wife and kids.. and recently too.

I've found that people hear only what they want to hear.
Print it out and make them read it - all of them.

And point out that you've resorted to asking for support from online strangers, since they haven't been listening.

 

No real comments, I woke up hung over this morning in the workshop, now I get to sit here for 10 hours in front of a computer. How many beers? Yes, all of them... I'm a bit younger than you, wife older than me. We've had some very hard times, but I came to the conclusion it was because of our oldest (foster) kid. I had a game plan, she had completely different ideas for how to help him. 9 years later we're still fighting about it. But I fought harder, it wasn't to win an argument, it was to get him right. There was a point where I took cash from the safe and hid it, just in case she bailed and cancelled the credit cards.

Only advice I can give: where do you want to be in 10 years?

 

,,,,,,,

 

Keeping the family together is more important than prepping. If you need to ease off to preserve domestic tranquility then do so ... In steps. You can take care of them best when together. If you split and they move across country those preps won't help them.

 

......

 

I want to be where I am now. The life I have is acceptable to me. Apparently, it's not for the wife.
Most divorces are initiated by the wife. I've been told by a female cousin that menopause is often a factor.
The mother in law is very open in expressing her views on things and told me she has absolutely no use for sex. This has caused problems in her own marriage as she is much older than her second and current husband.
I mention this because of the "time machine effect". The wife often turns out like the mother in law over time.
I wish I could say it doesn't drag on me but it does. I'm sure it make me an ass to be around at times.

You're not alone in this. Have to keep in mind, we got their best years. Now we owe it to them to be there during the decline. I've gone through it already, and came to the conclusion that I just have to accept it. Once you accept it, then you find a hobby. That's the only way I could deal with it.

I'm not the counseling type, but if that works for you go for it.

 

Not sure what your background is, but speaking according to the Bible, both husband and wife owe each other those relations as a matter of their marital obligations, and also as a way to protect them both from temptation.

 

Really? Owe it?

 

,,,,,,,

 

. The wife does see me on a computer a lot and often comments on it building my "negativity". Twitter has been my thing lately. I'm enjoying it. It can be a negative sink hole at times though.

I know two guys that had their personality change completely after they stopped listening to talk shows (rush+), news, and online sites that were negative. One was my friend, and I had to ask how, as the difference was that striking. The other was my nephew, after I told him about my friend. The first did the change after losing his long time live-in. The second "saved" his relationship.
You say you want to keep this marriage going, buuut, won't give up the negative internet stuff ?

 

What would she like to see from you in terms of "positivity" as opposed to what you're doing? Has she voiced that, and/or have you asked?

 

............

 

Counseling would be my vote. Maybe a happy medium on the issues.

 

.........

 

........

 

.........

 

I am glad your adult children are there for you.

I think covid broke a lot of people mentally that where already half way there.

 

.......

 

Probably. I can deal with nearly anything with some anxiety... but I adapt.
The thought of ending my marriage is on another level. That will break me. It's permeating my existence now.
It's what I think about most of the time. I'm fixated on it. (meds right?)
The wife can compartmentalize a pending comet impact in 3 years and carry on like normal.
She'd laugh on the phone, go to the sauna, pull weeds in the flower bed and plan a vacation with her family.
If she can't change something she can ignore it. I can not.
I envy some of that. I could use a dash for sure.

Oh yes, vacation. I have to schedule my vacation in Jan. each year. I get what I want because I'm 3rd in line for seniority. I ask the wife what I should pick each year.. Her family is all meeting in Mertle Beach 2 weeks AFTER my vacation. I was condemned 2 nights ago for not taking a vacation with my family. Really? They plan something months after my vacation is scheduled and it's my fault? That's how it usually goes. I give her the call on the time... and its my fault when it doesn't work out.
I don't know what I'd do with the birds anyhow? the dog's have a system where they walk themselves. One of the parrots in particular would be a meat ball if she didn't see me daily. Is what it is. That parrot is the most consistent thing in my life right now.

I followed you to here brother = then gave up.

You seem to have THE answer to all the possible solutions,so I guess there is nothing to say !.

Went through 2 divorces at my insistance ![ had enough and tried as hard as I needed ].

Now at 75 ,yes SEVENTY FIVE and been happily married for 15 years I speak from experience [ if that dont matter,dont bother reading further ].

I was a cop and that really was a life lesson,my divorces AND the hundreds [ yes hundreds ] that I helped on the job with fellow officers and all tye THOUSANDS of domestics that I went to.

I still see a shrink,not just any shrink but one that appreciates where I have been and where I have gone.

The only thing "fixable" is the one your looking at when you shave [ or brush your teeth ].

I have learned to TALK with and not at my wife,works miracles.

My advice,find a shrink that see's you and 'gets' you.

Then allow yourself to be correct as to what you want and what you allow yourself.

Yea,not easy.

No matter where you go,there YOU are !!.

Simplistic,yes but a real truth.

 

None of you here owe me anything but I would appreciate some opinions as to how I should handle my situation.
I used to be much more active here than I am now. I still drop by fairly often to see what is being discussed.
I'm the kind of person that analyzes most things looking for what is likely to go wrong. I'm not often surprised. Nobody steals from me. I'm usually much better prepared to handle problems than the average person... y'all know...tools. clothing, guns, water filters, food in my vehicle. For the most part the wife has been on board with this. She was helpful in packing food in mylar bags in buckets, rice, beans, dry milk etc. She has a concealed carry permit like me.
We have 6 children ranging from the oldest who is just entering med school at 25, and also had our first grandchild... to the youngest who is about to turn 9 tomorrow. I'm 56. The wife is 52. She's probably in menopause and the sex stopped years ago. That's been hard on me. It messes with my mind... I begin to question if she's seeing someone else. (I am as certain as possible that she's not) I feel massive rejection that triggers my anxiety. We argue and it all drags on me ramping my negativity to the point where the wife is considering divorce as an option. I do love her and can't imagine life without her. That really freaks me out. I don't' want to break up the family... and she's said she doesn't either.
I am a classic under achiever. I was an only child and got sent to a private boarding school because I wasn't performing in public school and my parents had a bad marriage. My mother wanted to get me out of that environment.
I got the top score in the entrance exam for the school that year... and graduated near the bottom of my class 3 years later. I hate school. Some aspects of it fascinate me.. large chunks like Latin bore me terribly. My wife is an educator.
My oldest son dropped out of college during COVID because he didn't want to pay full tuition for on line classes. He also questions the college deal. It's a lot of money for nothing in many cases. The wife partly blames me for his decision.
The wife's family are high achievers. Sister is a Dr. Brother has a law degree. In-laws have PHD's in immunology research kind of stuff.
My family has done well for themselves without college. Wealth has been passed down several generations. My father died about 14 months ago and my inheritance finished paying for a larger house in a more expensive small city 50 miles away from where I work.. so I commute. The wife insisted we leave the county where I grew up because the schools are terrible and there isn't much opportunity. It's rural and you are either a Dr. lawyer, farmer, or work in retail or the service economy for the wealthy retired people who have been coming there for many decades.
Mother in law begged us to move away when we got married.. anywhere but there. At the time the wife was happy to be there. I'm an only child and I didn't want to leave my parents.
My dad lived with us for nearly 3 years here in the new house before passing from dementia, possible stroke, and possibly COVID. My mother has lost her license do to memory issues but still lives independently. Her moving in with us would be much more difficult. Being 50 miles from her has been a problem and it will only get worse and fast.
My wife was born in Spain to an American mother and came to the US at age 17 to live with her grandmother and attend college. I met her in the town where I work and we have been together since. She came here with all her possessions in suitcases and her English wasn't the best. My family welcomed her and did not judge. Currently her English is perfect and nobody would guess she wasn't born here.
Slowly, much later in marriage I find out that the mother in law told her daughter not to marry me because we come from different backgrounds. In an argument 2 nights ago I found out that the mother in law was suggesting her daughter leave me 10 years ago. That was a very bad patch in the marriage. I suggested marriage counseling and she agreed. I asked if she would have one more child and she said no, I'm too old. I asked God for another child... and the wife knew it. Within 2 months she was pregnant and everything went smoothly.
Having the last child did reset things for a while. ... and here we are again. I suspect her family is at it again suggesting she leave me.
The trigger for the argument 2 nights ago was the wife brining me the phone number of a shrink and saying I need help. She thinks I need some meds to tamp down anxiety and depression. I think I need some sex. It used to be awesome.
I do believe eventually the dollar will crash to zero or nearly so. I'm confident the government will implement CBDC in this process and then we get into a bad situation where they begin tracking everything we do. I expect a social credit system, degrading of savings to encourage spending it... etc. Y'all know the deal.
I have gold, silver, stocks, land, guns and no debt of any kind. Paying for college is hammering he savings considerably. The wife being an educator most likely feels the need to compete with her siblings in educating our kids. Her brother has 6. Her sister has 4... and again we have 6. It's a pile.
Recently the older kids have been circling assuring me that no matter what happens I still have a family. The 3rd child, a daughter, called late last night and we talked for 1 hour and 36 minutes. The oldest came here from 45 mins away and cooked dinner last night. I can tell that some of them think I'm a suicide risk. I'm guessing that a lot of people have considered it for a brief minute or so... more wondering how people would react than anything. I wouldn't do that to my mother or my kids. I also consider it a sin as the church teaches.
Personally I have very few friends. I have 0 where we currently live and a 2 hour round trip commute and job elsewhere doesn't really connect me to people here where I live.
The friends I do have tend to be closer and life long. The wife has many friends and is a classical musician. Her life revolves around music in her teaching and other jobs associated with it. She's outgoing and well connected and I'm not. It's nearly impossible for me to consider moving in with my mother. I think I'd go nuts.
I don't really have anywhere else to go. We have rented my dad's house.
I have a couple dogs and two parrots that won't do well without my care. Taking them to my mother's isn't really an option with her cats. All my stuff is here... 2 gun safes.. several short safes, tools, my orchid collection.
Divorce would be a massive terrible unwinding that I don't want to do.
The wife has suggested some of my "problems" come from my childhood. I was the only white kid out of 60 on my school bus. I was young and it was a rough time. Watching my parents fight surely had an impact in my development as well.
So back to the shrink and meds... I'm very warry of having that on my record. I think there are combinations of that that will have the cops at your door to confiscate your guns in the not too distant future.
I'm not a violent person. My guns are not violent either.
I'm also not on meds at this time and I don't know how it would effect depression, mood swings, and the ups and downs of anxiety as the meds ramp and taper?
I do know that being 56 and wondering where I might be living in the near future is very hard on me. Night before last after the argument I didn't sleep at all, got up at 3am, drove and hour, worked 11 hours and drove an hour home on NO sleep.
Oh, and a few more comments on the wife because she's a part of this puzzle obviously.
She has a bad temper. She can be tough on the kids especially if they disrespect her. She also a very loyal loving parent and a much better parent than me. She's a wall builder. She doesn't forget any slight. She'll reach back 25 years in an argument and remind me I didn't bring in the groceries when she was pregnant. Over time the grievances add up and that becomes a big problem. I can't undo the past. I tend to forgive and forget mostly. The big things stick with me and even that is a problem for me. I can't even imagine retaining it all! It must be an incredible burden.
The daughter that called me last night thinks her mother needs some couch time and probably meds.
2 of my kids including that daughter are on antianxiety meds. The daughter says its not critical but it makes her an easier person to be around.
My meds are Flonaise for allergies and an occasional Alieve (1 about 3 times a week before a workout) for arthritis in knees.
So the crazy pills would be a major step for me and its a difficult decision.


Thanks for reading all that and any suggestions would be great.

Brother, I don't know what, if anything to say except to keep praying. I'll keep you guys in my prayers as well. Just remember that God already knows everything and can fix anything. Just trust him.

 

I would stay as far away from meds as possible. You might be depressed but who wouldn’t be if they were losing their wife who was once probably your best friend. Divorce is tough and sad for all members of the family regardless of age. Remember to love her like Christ loves the church. Be patient and kind. Remember those vows all those years ago? You made a promise and that means something. If it was easy everyone would stay married. You got some stuff to repair for sure. It sounds like you both have a lot of work to do. Pray for her and pray with her. You should be the spiritual leader in your house. Build your relationship on top of God. It is a firm foundation that doesn’t quit. You got this Man. Don’t give up. Push through and look back at this time 10 years from now and be happy you didn’t give up. Give her the kindness, forgiveness, patience, and love you want someone to give your daughter.

 

• She's probably in menopause and the sex stopped years ago. That's been hard on me. It messes with my mind... I begin to question if she's seeing someone else. (I am as certain as possible that she's not) I feel massive rejection that triggers my anxiety

Years ago!!!!! Menopause isn't a death nail for sex, this is an intimacy and trust issue. How did you break her trust?

• We argue and it all drags on me ramping up my negativity to the point where the wife is considering divorce as an option. I do love her and can't imagine life without her.

Apparently, both of you can or divorce wouldn't be brought up at all, what specifically do you argue about? "I can't undo the past" tell us more about the past.

• much later in marriage, I find out that the mother-in-law told her daughter not to marry me because we come from different backgrounds.

Is this being used as part of why she should divorce you? Here's how I view relationships it's the two of you first, and the two of you Vs. the world. If either of you lacks the backbone for that then it's your fault for lying on your wedding vows (if you took them)

I've had a relative go down a similar path it ended in divorce but I'll tell you both were 50/50 at fault. Perhaps marriage counseling but a surprising number of men have trouble opening up and digging through their issues, you are posting here to find validation from strangers Vs. people that know you better.

 

Not sure of your age but you BOTH should see if you need to sort out your hormone levels. We use this place: transcendcompany. I have been on HRT since age 27 and the wife is now on it as well for about a year and a half. IT HAS MADE A HUGE DIFFERENCE! We had some similar challenges as you, different backgrounds/ethnicities, physical interaction at almost zero and we are doing MUCH BETTER.

NO ONE has an SSRI deficiency. The vast majority of the "issues" with female HRT was due to the Women's Health Initiative study using synthetic non-bio-identical hormones. One was made from horse **** for crying out loud and the progestin was synthetic. The whole female HRT causes cancer thing disappears when using the proper medication.

As to the mother-in-law "poisoning the well"......................you don't have to win the game so to speak so much as you have to run out the clock sometimes.................................

 

Not sure of your age but you BOTH should see if you need to sort out your hormone levels. We use this place: transcendcompany. I have been on HRT since age 27 and the wife is now on it as well for about a year and a half. IT HAS MADE A HUGE DIFFERENCE! We had some similar challenges as you, different backgrounds/ethnicities, physical interaction at almost zero and we are doing MUCH BETTER.

NO ONE has an SSRI deficiency. The vast majority of the "issues" with female HRT was due to the Women's Health Initiative study using synthetic non-bio-identical hormones. One was made from horse **** for crying out loud and the progestin was synthetic. The whole female HRT causes cancer thing disappears when using the proper medication.

As to the mother-in-law "poisoning the well"......................you don't have to win the game so to speak so much as you have to run out the clock sometimes.................................

This is exactly what I said! Men with 700+ test dont get depressed for real ! She may have hormone issues as well. Sounds like a round of bloodwork is in order.

 

,,,,,

 

I’m 60, the wife is 64. Sex didn’t end for us. There’s something different about that woman of yours. Maybe she needs counseling?

 

You def do not want to be on psych meds and/or under the care of a psychiatrist(Dr prescribing meds)…Anyone like that and your guns are gone…
Get a small utility building on your property somewhere and have a place to go…couch, fridge…easy man cave…jmo

 

,,,,,

 

I haven't broken her trust.
Sex becomes a weapon. If I'm not acting like she wants me to then she doesn't want to have sex.
The problem is that when I didn't live here for 9 months during the COVID **** it broke the routine. Since then things have devolved back to where they were 10 years ago when the mother in law was suggesting "separation" (divorce).
Being able to recover back to the point where I'm having sex seems an impossible task at this point.
So be it. I'll trade it away if it means we can hold the family together... BUT, it's still an elephant in the room even if I don't bring it up. She assumes I'm thinking about it. Not sure how to handle that?

Where to start...
1. Do you all go to church?
2. Do you all go out on dates, just the two of you? With the number of kids you have, assume one of your kids could watch the 9 year old on occasions.
3. Do you, and her, have a hobby that helps you relax and recharge your mind so as to not always think about depressing things?
4. Definately see a counselor, some pastors at churches may even provide free marriage counseling to be that '3rd' person and not take sides and tells it like it is, from their own perspective/experience with working with other couples.
5. Make school the child's decision when they are old enough. Definately encourage graudating from High-School at the very least. You are not wrong that there are other professions out there that make good money aside from Dr. and Lawyers, but in the end, support the kids in what they want to do, but part of the problem is that there is a whole world of jobs out there that they need to realize so they can make an informed decision. If they don't know, then it might be a good idea to have them join the military for a spell so they can figure things out. Also, you would be amazed at the kinds of jobs that await for those who did military time and with a secret clearance, can do quiet well without a college degree.
6. In some states, not sure which state you are in, sex deprevation can be considered as a form of 'emotional abuse'. Of course, if there is medical reasons, there are always ways around that.

Hope you all figure things out.

 

Maybe you do have some mental health issues. You should probably talk to a doctor and find out for sure. If your care about your family make the effort. People get mental health treatment everyday and no one is raiding their house to take their guns.