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Born 120 years too late.
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MY MOTHER and my wife actually got along extremely well together.
My mother did volunteer work at hospitals forever. My wife is an RN
MY mother finally decided to go back to school in her 50s to become an LPN(go mom!!!)
They even worked at the same hospital when my mom got her license. Saw each other all the time on the job.
Not only did they get along, they ganged up on me a LOT...
 

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I was blessed with a MIL that I loved dearly. She was a brilliant and strong woman. She only had two sons and she treated me and my sister-in-law like true daughters. I was closer to her than my own mother.

I grew up watching my mom and my dad's mom passively aggressively hate each other. It was TOXIC. My dad was an only child and my grandmother was extremely manipulative. She was the type that when we grandkids would come back into town for visits, she quite literally counted minutes spent and compared that time spent visiting my other grandmother. It cost her a relationship with me.

I hope and pray that when my sons marry I can be half as great as my MIL was. She never once made me feel anything other than loved and cherished.

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Indefatigable
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My MIL is my best friend. I was very close to my first MIL as well, we stayed friends and visited each other until she died. I am 1/1000 as everyone in my family is on the same page, we don't have to tolerate each other, we all genuinely like spending time with one another.
One of the best pieces of marriage advice ever received - (For better or worse) You marry the entire family.
 

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My mom and wife have a mutual respect for each other. Guess I lucked out there.

On the other hand my wife's mom and my wife bump heads all the time. And, of course, they look at me and say "Who is right?"

I always side with my wife.

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Smart 👍👍
 

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Dirty Mind
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3,002 Posts
Discussion Starter #28
Yes indeed watch this show. My wife tried to get me to watch it for years. I couldn't have cared less. But one morning working at the golf course it was on tv and it was slow so I watched it. I was on the floor laughing. But I went home and I told my wife that I watched it I got the I told you so but only in a kidding manner. Funny thing is that when we were looking for houses there was a house right across the street from my parents house for sale. My wife constantly reminds me that if we had bought that house our life would have been "Everyone Loves Raymond" And my family is Italian. Thank God we didn't buy that house.
We moved from Ohio to Florida. My wife was glad to have the distance and in a way so did I. Now the ironic thing is that my wife is the one who told my mom to move here. So my mom jumped on that before anyone changed their mind.
 

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Remember this: You sleep with your wife not your mom... That alone should tell you what you need to do if you have to decide between the two. Especially if there are kids involved.

I get that many have a very close, and good, relationship with their immediate family (Mom, Dad, etc.). But if it creates friction for a couple that is trying to grow together, that friction needs to be managed. Even with family, its MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!! Although many mothers/grandmothers want to make it their own business, especially when kids/grandkids are involved.

Put in another way, if your mother questions your wife, she is also questioning YOUR judgment if she puts you in the middle. Its one thing to ask for advise, quiet another to have it unsolicited.
 

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The difference between your mother and wife is that your mother loves their children unconditionally. Your wife on the other hand has a trait called hypergamy.
 

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Super Moderator. I'm helping!
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The difference between your mother and wife is that your mother loves their children unconditionally. Your wife on the other hand has a trait called hypergamy.
Careful there ...

 

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Can't you do the stuff together? Your mother wants to do unique and fun things with your kids, and you and your wife wants to be the ones that do it, so why can't you all just go together? You don't want your wife and mother having a competition over the kids you want them to be working together in cooperation. If everyone's goal here is just to have fun with the kids, then there shouldn't be any issues.

Based on what you said, your mother does sound a bit manipulative but her goal is just to spend time with your kids and enjoy the things she missed out on while raising you. Her goals are completely harmless, so there isn't actually any reason to fight is there?
 

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I'd be interested in hearing about the dynamics of the relationship between your wife and your mom? I'd also be interested in the perspective of the ladies.

There is literally no one that I know personally to ask or seek out advice.

My wife tends to believe my mom is manipulative. My mom is always trying to think up unique things to do with our kids and does not seem satisfied with just getting time with them regardless of what activities they plan. My mom has a tough time understanding that we want to take our kids to the new experiences and stuff.
My wife doesn't think that I recognize the things that my mom does but no one knows my mom better than I do, except perhaps my aunt.

Surely I can't be the only one caught in the middle of such nonsense.
My wife is a little high strung (type A) but loves to help my mom out. My mom is very laid back and has tons of horror stories from co workers about terrible mother in laws so is extremely careful to not cross boundaries. My parents were both pretty hands off so overall things are great.
 

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What... me worry??
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Here’s another twist. My mother and starter wife worked together. Yeah, this is pre internet days. I worked in emergency services, and meeting someone in that environment was not easy. So they were already on good terms. My mother said right from the start, even if things went south she was staying out of it. It went bad, and my mother stuck to her principals.

So, it was win-win. My ex wife, my son, my wife and my parents could all be in one place, at one time. You have to want to get along and we did. In the last five years, as my mother slips into dementia, and my father has passed; opportunity for us to need/want to be in the same place have cropped up. Acting like a grownup really is quite painless, but it does require some thinking.
 

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My Mom and my first wife didnt like each other but pretended to get along, for a while, then both practiced avoidance independently. I had just started dating her successor when my Mom died of pancreatic cancer in Texas, so they never talked or met. Both of my wives had thier own versions of strong personalities, though the first was an extrovert and the second is an introvert. There is a very good possibility that niether would have liked Mom, she had a very Chicago personality and approach to life. I understood her and was comfortable both laughing with her and cringing at her comments, in turn, often in the same conversation. Both of them married me voluntarily, maybe they had a middle ground for her...somewhere?
 

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Off the leash
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Support your wife! Support your wife! By the way did I say support your wife? You grew up with your mother and have dealt with her all your life, your wife hasn't. Even if you've been married a long time your wife is still and "outsider" to your mother and is always going to be the "bad guy" to your mother so please, listen to her and help her. I can guarantee you she will love you more for it.
 

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My mom died when I was 24, I was married (2nd time) at 28. My ex wife, while we were married, never got along with my mom, her intelligence was seen as a threat. My 2nd wife would have gotten along with her, I'm certain of that.
 

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Dirty Mind
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Discussion Starter #38
Support your wife! Support your wife! By the way did I say support your wife? You grew up with your mother and have dealt with her all your life, your wife hasn't. Even if you've been married a long time your wife is still and "outsider" to your mother and is always going to be the "bad guy" to your mother so please, listen to her and help her. I can guarantee you she will love you more for it.
My wife and I met when she was 14 and I was 16. AOL chat room. Nearly 24 years ago.
 

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Amateur of all trades
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592 Posts
DISCLAIMER: Just some free advice not saying you have to use it.

ALWAYS support your wife! When you were married the two of you became one. Regardless of who believes they are right/wrong always stand with your wife and support her.
I disagree. Sounds good as a concept, but we often make irreversible mistakes. The choice of a 'Wife' in hindsight can be the BIGGEST mistake in one's life choices. Some people are not 100% transparent into their true self until later on. This makes them treacherous and not worthy of lifelong support.
 
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