[MotherEarth]

____Edited______


Thank you all. I revised the poem, and have included it as a gift. I even finished the scrapbook through Kodak which prints them for a very inexpensive price and it was nice to not have to physically handle all the pictures.

I included a poem for all the family members and well - if they hate it - they can always put it on a shelf.

Thank you all for you input in pm's and here. God bless you all.

 

[Rosesandtea]

Will PM you later, after praying.

 

[joyfulheart]

My best friend (also neighbor) was pregnant with twins, went into premature labor and delivered the babies TOO early.

They both survived, butone was VERY VERY SICK. One twin died just 2 days after her first birthday waiting for a liver and kidney transplant.

I was talking to another friend, who has gone through this-- and she ORDERED me to always remember two dates! 1-- their birthday. 2-- the day they died (or was buried).

The husband does NOT like people reminding them. BUT the wife-- she said it hurts, but in a wonderful way-- because she knows that SOMEBODY cared about her baby, enough to remember such a difficult date.

So, we usually take some flowers and balloons over to the family. Nothing too painful, nothing too sad, just something as a token to show that we remember and we care.

That's what they want more than anything. To know SOMEONE cares.

 

[Rosesandtea]

I decided to post here after all.

I lost a nearly full term baby in 1997. Won't go into it now, but suffice it to say that I speak from experience. I still have hard times but mostly am peaceful now.

Mother Earth, the scrapbook idea is very nice. About the poem, I too am not sure about whether it is for you or for her. You know, honestly, I would discuss it with her, and see what she feels about the phrase "it's not over." I realize that you might be wanting to surprise her with it but if that phrase is an unwelcome reminder of events (there can be painful reminders, and pleasant reminders, weird, I know) to her, then I suppose it's really just meant for you.

I appreciated people remembering about our Mercy, but preferred things to be low key. I think the year after she was born and died, some friends of ours made a cake for us. It wasn't meant to be a birthday cake but the way they had decorated it was a bit too birthday-ish for me (they had only meant to make it pretty, and I did understand that) and although I sincerly appreciated their efforts I found it painful.

I think it's important to remember that the father has lost a baby too. Too much is geared only to the mother. I know that in some ways we feel it with more of our being, maybe even more deeply because of the physical aspects of carrying the child, but the father has been deeply soul-wounded as well and like the mother may have even a bit of ptsd only it's not noticed so much as men don't express themselves so much. So I think it is good to remember him too, but if he needs to not have external reminders I think that ought to be taken into consideration too.

I think the scrapbook idea is nice, as both parents can look at it as much as they like, or put it away and not see it everyday.

And Mother Earth. Hope is a good thing. I found myself still hoping for a miracle even when normal people would not, although I was also still aware and accepting of the realities of our situation. Bless you for caring. I was aware during our daughter's short life that it was hard on everyone, not just us. I hope you are getting support too if you still need it.

 

[corndogggy]

I think it's important to remember that the father has lost a baby too. Too much is geared only to the mother. I know that in some ways we feel it with more of our being, maybe even more deeply because of the physical aspects of carrying the child, but the father has been deeply soul-wounded as well and like the mother may have even a bit of ptsd only it's not noticed so much as men don't express themselves so much. So I think it is good to remember him too, but if he needs to not have external reminders I think that ought to be taken into consideration too.

I got totally screwed up after my wife had two miscarriages, and it wasn't even late term, was fairly early. What hurt the most was the lack of respect by the doctors since she had to have surgery. I can't blame them for any one thing, but it was shocking that it was just another medical procedure for them. Here my child is, getting scraped out of the womb by a razor blade, just to be incinerated like they never existed, and to them it's just like dealing with cancer cells.

I mean, I SAW it on the TV screen, I heard the heartbeat. Then, both were just gone. It's some F'ed up stuff.

 

[Rosesandtea]

Corndoggy, I am so sorry for your losses and the added pain you have suffered because of the insensitivity of those who cared for your wife. Blessings and a hug to you dear one.

 

[preparedmama]

I lost my first son a little over a month old. A nurse gave me the best piece of advice.

She said you never get over it, you learn to live with it.

Made a huge difference in dealing with things

 

[scienceteacher]

Scrapbooking is the best gift

When my little sister died my mom packed everything into a dresser and they moved to a new house (she had died in the old house). Two years later we got together for a week of vacation and made the scrapbook. By then we could remember with joy and tears mixed together. Her best friends from school all got together and made a scrapbook a couple of months after she died and gave it to my mom. She loved seeing my sister's life from another perspective and she cherishes that scrapbook. One of my sisters was into photography and had taken bunches of pictures. Every year on her birthday our sister sends us all 5X7s that we have never even seen, to put in a sister frame we all have. Its a great way to celebrate her birthday. This year was the first year we celebrated more birthdays without her than we had with her. Trust me ANY pictures the family has not seen recently are such a blessing. The date of my sister's death we all call mom and chat. We are at the point where we don't necessarily talk about her unless mom brings it up and wants to the hard ones were the day she would have been 16,18 21, and this year was 25. There is no forgetting but we have gotten to the point that its like my sister who lives on the other side of the country we don't get to see her much but she is alive and happy and we know it. My other sister lives in heaven we don't get to see her but she is alive and HAPPY.

 

[Borrowed time]

lost my son

wife and i lost our first son in '95 when she was 7 1/2 months along. she had been on heart meds for the baby for a month and in the hospital for the last week before delivery. we went through a 32 hour delivery that seemed right out of some vision of hell. she was on I.V. magnesium cause she was close to having her renal system shut down, just a few hours from death the docs said.

she was sufficiantly drugged up and in some sort of survival mode so she wasnt really aware of what all was happening. she had to just concentrate on delivering the baby we lost. i was with her all those 32 hours, helping her push, giving ice chips, encouraging her as best i could and holding her legs etc.

i was completely "awake and aware" every second and was dealing with a now dead baby, our hopes and dreams for the future, that was still inside her and killing her. basically, i think that when our baby ws finally delivered, i lost my mind for awhile. i remember holding my baby and trying to show my wife but she couldnt see him because the chemicals they had her on made her vision blurry. when they took her to surgery for the D & C i remember walking out of the delivery room and collapsing into my dad's arms and i guess he said i blacked out.

i was in a daze through the planning and the date of the funeral. after that my regular depression turned down a much darker road and was close to following him. took years to get right in the head, and i still get flash-backs if i think too much about the event.

very sorry for your loss, i've been there......