[TXmom]

This is similar to a thread already started "cooperation from your spouse" but goes WAY beyond cooperation, or lack thereof. My Hubby is getting outright mean and hateful about it.
The fight started last night when I was online looking at various water filter/purification systems and I innocently asked him what he thought about a particular one. He just lost it! Said he didn't know what had happened to me lately...called me paranoid and gullible. Said I've been brainwashed and I'm acting like the end of the world is going to happen next week. Told me that everything I'm concerned about is no different than stuff people have been saying for decades and that nothing is going to happen. Told me I'm beginning to act like "one of those doomsday crackpots".
My preps thus far consist of 2-3 months of canned meats/veg, 5 lbs beans, 10 lbs rice, 6 lbs pasta, 2 giant pkgs of TP, a 65 gallon rain collection barrel, and 2 7 gallon water storage containers as well as a small bag of pool shock for purification.
I tried to point out that it's hurricane season and does he remember Ike and the fact that we were without power for 1 1/2 weeks? THAT started him yelling. Said we still had gas so we had hot water for showers and he was able to get ice (had to drive for 30 away minutes to find some) and that "we made out just fine". None of the what-ifs I brought up made any difference...what if the power didn't come back on for a long time, what if the gas was out, what if there was no ice at all, what if there was no gasoline to even go look for ice, etc.
Mind you, none of my preps have put us in financial hardship. He hasn't done without anything because of it. And he's not totally oblivious to what's going on in the world. He watches the news and reads the papers. He just refuses to admit that anything could happen. I don't think he can fathom a world where he might not be able to google something on his iPad.
Has anyone else had to deal with this extreme and how did you handle it? BTW, I will not stop what I'm doing, no matter how mean or nasty he gets. I will just start exercising OPSEC in my own house.

 

[Swampwood]

Your last two sentences covered it. Ever think of getting interested in camping?..Many things carry over
I learned some people can't handle the thought of prepping and, no talking or reasoning is going to change their mind, you just have to avoid any hints or talking of it in their presence, be satisfied with yourself.

 

[bigdon68]

Some people don't want to accept the "possibilities". My wife and I got into the same discussion a long time ago. Now I kind of just don't bring my prepping up and she doesn't say anything about it because I told her that while she doesn't have to like it, she will definitely appreciate that one day, the precautions I take are going to keep our family safe.

 

[TXmom]

Thanks, Swampwood. We did go camping a few times when the kids were young, but that's been years ago. Still have most of the gear collecting dust in the garage. Perhaps I should go through it all and see what's still in good shape and what needs replacing, hmmm?
I just don't understand why he's so ANGRY. Or so mean and nasty about it. Except that maybe he sees a little logic in it but he's afraid and doesn't want to admit it. If I don't have his cooperation now, what's it going to be like if/when the s**t really does HTF?

 

[Optimist]

TXmom, fear and anger stem from the same chemical, adrenaline. I'd submit that he's seeing the handwriting on the wall, and it is scaring the bejesus out of him. So he's displacing it as anger and turning it your direction. If that is what is going on, you need to handle it before it tears too great a hole in your relationship.

 

[Jojo]

The advice from OPTIMIST sounds good. You know how men are. They hold that s*** in until it just blows. It could be that his anger has nothing to do with the preps. Maybe that was just the easiest direction to lash out. It sounds like you are doing a great job. I know every day counts, but why not take a little vacation from prepping? Turn that energy into dusting off the realtionship a little. I don't know how long you have been married, but you have to do this once in a while anyway. When my old man gets cranky I know he needs a pecan pie and a little "special loving" A change of scenery can be a great attitude adjuster...Live in the country? spend a weekend in the city - if you live in the city, find a way to get out for a weekend. Hang in there!

 

[vicdotcom]

..
I just don't understand why he's so ANGRY. Or so mean and nasty about it. Except that maybe he sees a little logic in it but he's afraid and doesn't want to admit it. If I don't have his cooperation now, what's it going to be like if/when the s**t really does HTF?

Guys Point of view:

Explosive anger like that comes from built up resentment. Little things and he keeps it quiet, more little things, and he keeps it bottled inside, then little snide remarks or eye-rolling starts coming out, then WHAMMO "your crazy!!".

I have been guilty of this myself with other stuff. It is because majority of men like to hold things in to the boiling point.

I think you have the right idea of keeping him separated from the prepping if he isn't going to support you. Call it your "Hobby". If he has some hobby you think is crazy, just compare that. You don't see the sense in football, baseball, golf or whatever either right? He has his hobby, and you have yours.

Was it the price of the water filter that put him over the edge? I had a similar situation happen with my wife over her painting hobby. I didn't see the sense of paying 20$ for a brush. I resented it for a while until she said she didn't understand why I had to pay 30$ for a box of bullets compared to the cheaper stuff... : I never complained about or resented her painting supplies after that in fact I started to paint myself LOL

But rest assured, if SHTF does happen, he will be on board then. He will kick himself for not doing more and then thank you for what you did do (or blame you for not doing more depending on his personality).

 

[TXmom]

Thanks, Optimist. I do understand about the fear/anger thing. Doesn't make it any easier to tolerate the nasty comments though.

 

[Herbalpagan]

I guess I'm different. I refused to prep on my own with that kind of attitude. After the years we have been together, if he couldn't at least respect my opinion or take care of a deep need and desire(to prep) that I had, that did no harm, then I told him we might have to come up with a different living arrangment. He listened to how serious I was and now he triples everything I think we need.

 

[yappat]

Speaking only from my own experience of being married a LONG time, my guess is he's feeling a bit neglected and seeing your interest in prepping as taking too much of your focus OFF of HIM. That kind of blow up seldom has much to do with the topic at hand, it sounds personal.

Might be time for a date night. Men are simple creatures at heart. Full stomach, undivided attention, and some good sex and I'm guessing he'll be in a much better mood :

 

[TXmom]

Thanks for the guy's point of view, Vicdotcom.
He does have some anger issues that aren't related to my prepping. Household finances. Long story short, he doesn't have the spending power he used to have. I'm doing a much better job with the money...paying extra principal on car note as well as mortgage and creating an emergency fund which we didn't have before. I've re-routed a considerable amount of money to these causes that would otherwise have been spent on BS or just plain wasted. Add the fact that I earn nearly 3x what he does. I'm the one who should be angry when I think of all the money that's been wasted over the years. We could be completely debt-free with a sizable savings account at this point.
And, no, the price of the water filter wasn't the issue.
Managing the money more wisely and prepping are things I'm doing for US, to make a more secure future for US. And I've told him this. I don't understand what he has to be angry about. He should be proud of me and supportive. The only lifestyle change for him has been that he can't buy every shiny thing that catches his eye.
I just wish he could put his male ego in check. I haven't been ugly or hateful about any of it. I could be, but I haven't.
If he can't see that what I'm doing will benefit BOTH of us, then I wish he could at least shut the f**k up and let me do what I have to do.

 

[Optimist]

....If he can't see that what I'm doing will benefit BOTH of us, then I wish he could at least shut the f**k up and let me do what I have to do.

Bravo! Unfortunately, reason rarely prevails in such a setting.

 

[Emerald Eyes]

Maybe it's because you are taking care of business, when it's traditionally the man's role?

 

[Highwater Filters]

ew, not a good situation. hubby needs a reality check. He is definitely feeling insecure and he should! he sounds sort of spoiled and now that mommy has taken away his toys, he's throwing a conniption fit.

What would he do without you? Would you ever leave him? Maybe he needs to be shaken up and stop taking you for granted. Financial problems is the number one cause of marital problems. You might consider seeing a professional. It can make all the difference between a happy marriage and a miserable one. but it will only work with two willing participants.

I am no expert on marriage. I'm divorced so take my advice with a grain of salt. lol

One more thingie. I'm dying to know. did you get a filter? What did you choose?

 

[TXmom]

Speaking only from my own experience of being married a LONG time, my guess is he's feeling a bit neglected and seeing your interest in prepping as taking too much of your focus OFF of HIM. That kind of blow up seldom has much to do with the topic at hand, it sounds personal.

Might be time for a date night. Men are simple creatures at heart. Full stomach, undivided attention, and some good sex and I'm guessing he'll be in a much better mood :

My prepping efforts have taken very little of my time, let alone time away from him. He likes for us to go shopping together, so I've picked up things then. I've tried to involve him, asking his opinion on different topics. I've asked him to take me to a gun range and help me pick out a suitable weapon for myself. He already has a handgun of his own.
Date night? Please. If he continues to call me paranoid, gullible, brainwashed, etc, he's going to get way more of my FOCUS than he can handle.

 

[sprkymrk]

They hold that s*** in until it just blows.

Guilty as charged. Woman talk talk talk about their feelings and the seemingly littlest things all the time. We men are the opposite.

It could be that his anger has nothing to do with the preps. Maybe that was just the easiest direction to lash out.

Good observation. It could also be fear or denial.

When my old man gets cranky I know he needs a pecan pie

Pecan pie... yummmm!
I discern that you are a very smart and wise person. :

A change of scenery can be a great attitude adjuster...Live in the country? spend a weekend in the city - if you live in the city, find a way to get out for a weekend. Hang in there!

Excellent suggestions. Although you had me at "pecan pie".

 

[sprkymrk]

Hey TXmom I just saw the other posts about the money thing. My gut feeling is that this is the root of the issue. Us guys need our fun money or we are NOT happy and get very resentful. As a suggestion, found out what you can budget in for an "allowance" for each of you to have your own fun money to spend on whatever you want. When your hubby has a $50 or $100 bill in his wallet that he can spend however he wants without your approval or permission, he may be a lot more relaxed in the relationship.

 

[TXmom]

ew, not a good situation. hubby needs a reality check. He is definitely feeling insecure and he should! he sounds sort of spoiled and now that mommy has taken away his toys, he's throwing a conniption fit.

What would he do without you? Would you ever leave him? Maybe he needs to be shaken up and stop taking you for granted. Financial problems is the number one cause of marital problems. You might consider seeing a professional. It can make all the difference between a happy marriage and a miserable one. but it will only work with two willing participants.

I am no expert on marriage. I'm divorced so take my advice with a grain of salt. lol

One more thingie. I'm dying to know. did you get a filter? What did you choose?

I suggested counseling when the money fight first began. He wants no part of that. I think that he knows, deep down, that he's wrong and he certainly doesn't want someone else to tell him that.
What would he do without me? Good question. Probably be living under a bridge somewhere. He doesn't make enough to support himself, at least not in the style to which he's become accustomed.
Would I ever leave him? I'm not going anywhere. He couldn't afford this house on his own anyway.
I really truly believe all this stems from me taking over the finances and him not being able to spend every dime that comes in. And I think he's embarrassed that he did such a bad job of handling the money. I take my full share of responsibilty for letting it go on for so long, but I don't feel I should have to put up with verbal abuse because I'm trying to correct it now.
WHATEVER I chose to spend extra money on, whether it be prepping or any other "hobby", he'd have a problem with it. Simply because HE wasn't getting to spend it.

 

[jglawson123]

Guys point of view:

His feelings have been hurt to some degree...it's traditionally the man's role to provide for his family...period. Might want to back off a little...but at the same time maybe bring up some recent world events...some far away...maybe some near you home...work it from the perspective that it's a form of "Insurance"...if you guys don't have BOB's ...get him engaged in the process...he gets to pick what goes in his bag...he gets to assist you with your selections...(Hint Hint...Knight in shining armor...let me help you with that honey :thumb: :thumb Debate merits of item XYZ vs ABC...but don't be contentious about it.

Try not to come across as "Doom and Gloom"...but at the same time try to get him to see that the poo is in fact hitting the fan all around the place...everywhere...otherwise you would not be here unless you had that "Gut Feeling" that things are going South...and fast...

 

[tadbitangelny]

I just wish he could put his male ego in check. I haven't been ugly or hateful about any of it. I could be, but I haven't.
If he can't see that what I'm doing will benefit BOTH of us, then I wish he could at least shut the f**k up and let me do what I have to do.
Amen to that lol.