Hangfire, please do not make any important decisions at this time! You need time to grieve.

 

Don't ask why. Just push forward. One thing at a time.

Hang in there.

 

If you have not done so already, I suggest you find a good Bible based non-denominational church and start attending. See what kind of small groups they offer. I have been involved with the same group of guys (there are 8 of us) for 10 years now. In that time I have had a several of buddies go through rough patches in their marriages including a divorce in one case. In my case, it was the death of my newborn son.

Being involved in a small accountability group with like minded men definitely made the difference.

 

Be strong for your son - He's counting on you. Stay busy. Freshen up your resume and start looking for a new job. Grieve your divorce. Deep breaths and long walks. It will get better. One foot in front of the other!

 

dont sell off anything, land, guns, preps. as long as they arnt eating anything, leave em be. dont rush out into another relationship. its lonely sometimes by yourself, I know. mine left 13 years ago, been busy raising my daughter,, up until she has started tying to play matchmaker for me (she is 13 now), between work, VA, and raising her, I hadnt had time or energy to look. time heals, your in it for the kid. you just got the wind knocked out of your sails. dont try to get it back in a day. it takes a while. relax and take things slow........

 

Was going to say the same as Bronzino. That's sage advice, take heed. One foot in front of the other. Stay strong and focused. Don't give up, be there for your son. Above sell else, a sense of humor will get you through, and is a sign of real intelligence. Very best to you. You'll be in my prayers, good buddy.

 

Volunteer work. Do a bit of good. Meet some new people and a generally nice atmosphere because duschebags tend to stay away from that sort of activity.

 

Try your level best to be a good person with a clean conscience. Karma, laws of Jesus, etc. prevail in the final sum of things.

Believing that our creator/higher power will not let you be tested beyond what you can bear, helps set the basis for a positive attitude. What you're going through now will only serve to strengthen you, like metal in a fire, you'll be a stronger person. Keep your chin up. Do that for your son and yourself.

 

Don't make any major decisions right now. Does your job get you living bills paid? If so, get another one with your new free time and put that toward whatever else you need. Custody battles or lawyer bills or making the BOL nicer. I wouldn't sell the guns. In ten years you'll be sorry you did.

 

It takes 3 to 5 years. Been there, done that.

 

4 year old son? That's your quality of life for the next 14 years.

If you just wanted to enjoy life you would have done like I did. Refused to get married and worn a condom. All my money is mine. All my successes and failures are mine. I have no cheering section at home.

Once you have a kid you are locked in for the ride, good or bad, even if you live in an efficiency apartment and work 3 lousy part time jobs until it gives you a heart attack.

The BOL? Just go visit occasionally and plant the right trees. Put aside some nickels and dimes for a trailer there when you retire. Your kid will be 18 when you are 62. Work another 4-5 years after that and go live on your land.

Sorry to be blunt but the fact is that most marriages end up in a lawyers office and kids mean you are locked in hard. Being depressed about it just means you weren't realistic about all the possibilities when you started this. Get past the pity party and buckle up. Get up, go to work, pay the bills, and watch you kid grow up. When that job is done you can go relax in the woods until it's time for the dirt nap.

 

Control the things you can control and don't worry about the things you can't control, this is the advice I used to give those who worked for me when they had troubles. Look ahead, not behind and one day at a time...

 

Ive got more guns and ammo then I care to get into on here, a lot of the guns in storage units, for all the good they did me. Ammo remains a problem in such a tight apartment space.... trying to find a workshop type situation to rent, as well as a bigger apartment.

Job isn't stable, and my lawyer just hit me for another $1100. he managed to get a "no contact" against my ex wifes piece of garbage boyfriend in terms of being around my son. But a full fledged custody fight is going to cost me another 5k, and I don't have that kind of money.

I don't like it here in Southwestern Virginia, but wont leave my son. I'm 48 years old and having to rebuild my life... also not having much luck finding a nice woman to grow old with around here.

Good on you for sticking it out for your son, I truly hope things pick up for you. I don't know how many guns you think you need........... but from the sounds of it you have a ready source of $$ should you need it without having to leave yourself vulnerable defensively.

You're not much older than me, honestly I'd get a dog instead of another woman should I ever find myself in a similar situation. Zeke's idea is a sound one regarding your BOL in my honest opinion for whatever that's worth.

If you're not a church goer (I'm not many aren't for various reasons) what is your social life like? Friends? Hobby Groups? Survival Mutual Support Groups? etc all these can help fight the rise of depression and stress a lot more than another relationship (You didn't mention how long ago you split so we have no idea if your looking on the rebound which is never a good idea or not)

 

There is a lot of good advice here, and a few nuggets of pretty bad advice. Hang in there, you're not alone. There are lots of people who are 'given' more than they can handle in life. Don't be afraid to reach out to others for help. What works for someone else may not work for you. Do your best to live in the moment, investing too much in the past or present can drain you pretty fast.

 

Many choices were made. **** happens. Your situation sucks. I feel for you.

You're drowning in 3 feet of water...stand up. Put your big boy pants on and deal with the next major thing in front of you that needs to be dealt with.

Taking care of your kid is the most important decision right now. He didn't ask for this and needs strong parents. If your ex chooses not to be strong that's on her.

You can always have a pity party in the future and invite yourself....just not right now.

Sorry for being a hard ass, but you're not the first or the last to deal with a bad marriage choice. You'll get through it, be lighter in the wallet and hopefully with a better understanding of how not to get into this situation again. How you handle the situation and yourself moving forward will have a huge impact on your kid.

Support groups can be a big help, but I suggest you avoid the ones where everybody sits around consigning each other's bull****.

The best part of this is that you will get a second chance at a life and you've got a son. Just make sure you've fixed your 'picker' before you start down relationship road again.

 

1) You're drowning in 3 feet of water...stand up. Put your big boy pants on and deal with the next major thing in front of you that needs to be dealt with.

2) Taking care of your kid is the most important decision right now.

1) Very well said. To that, I can add nothing.

2) To put it bluntly, I disagree. Too often people fail to put themselves first. If you don't take care of number 1, you cannot be effective in helping others. I'd say taking care of yourself is your priority. What ever that entails. Your success will translate over to success in every other aspect of life. Including your child. Ever wonder why successful people seem to have it all?

I'll give an absurd example. Poor, but well meaning missionaries often go to poor locations, such as rural India, to "try and help". In reality, they've simply added to the local burden. Wealthy missionaries often go to poor locations and bring water pumps, construction materials, school books, medical supplies, etc. They improve the local situation immensely. Take care of number 1 first, then help others. Your young child will be far better off with your success.

 

Hangfire:

I third or fourth what some of the others have said: don't make any major decisions right now. About selling items/land or connecting with a lady. Somebody said 3 - 5 years. Could be that long, might not, but it's definitely the wrong time *right now.*

How would some anonymous somebody on the interwebs know? I've watched friends and family move too quickly into a new relationship after a bad divorce only to end up in a worse situation than the late marriage.

Don't mean to get too touchy-feely and psychobabble, but there really are 5 Stages of Grief. The simple fact is a divorce is a type of death. No matter what the circumstances, it's the death of an intact nuclear family.

If you think you might like to learn more about the 5 Stages and how they relate specifically to divorce, here's a link:

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/cindy-holbrook/5-stages-grief-during-divorce

 

If you need money sell the guns and land. They are just objects. Too many folks put significance in the material items and do not realize they chain you down mentally. As for the rest of your situation. Deal with it. Survive.

 

Well the divorce is now final but my world remains shattered.

If all that's true, I'm in trouble... because I'm loosing that will to make it.

What am I supposed to do with

And all that land in WV I managed to get 7 years back. Just sitting there..

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. And, without getting into specifics, I very clearly understand how overwhelming all of this can be. A few things:

1) It does get better. (that means you have something to look forward to)
2) Accept that you can control how you feel.
3) Understand that 50% of life is "chock a block" full of disaster, death, disease, betrayal, ruin, heartache and evil. Don't let that half define you. Ever!
4) Understand that 50% of life is joy, love, friendship, birth, companionship, goodness and warmth. Embrace it.

People often wonder why I'm so calm when disaster strikes. It's because I don't let that define me. I choose to be happy, no matter what. I find something good to concentrate on. In the end, that's what I have control over, myself.

 

You're in good company. About 50% of marriages end in divorce.

Get a piece of paper. Draw a line down the middle. On top of each side write.

Important. Not Important.

Sell everything that is "Not Important" and use that money to buy or take care of what is Important. Guns are valuable, sell them. And stop paying the storage fees.

Focus on what is important. And lose the rest of the baggage.

Take your kid to your land in West By God, Virginia, and have some Dad & Son quality time, before it sells. If you decide to sell it.

Sadly, you can not control what happens to you. Only how you react to it.

That piece of advice came to me from a book written by a Jewish prisoner in a Nazi Concentration Camp. I am almost certain he was having a worse time than you.

He made it. By realizing that while he could not control what his captors did to him. He could control how he reacted to it.

The strength is in the mind, not the body.

If you seek out all that is bad in your life, you will most certainly find it.

Try seeking out all that is good instead. There is good or bad to be found in every situation. Stop looking for the bad, and start looking for the good.

Having lost both my parents, both my wife's parents, her having breast cancer, my brother dying, and my damn dog dying all in a five year period. I come to this conversation keenly aware of what the mind is capable of. Both good and bad.

I am also aware that no matter how bad you have it. Many others have it much worse and they are shining examples on how to survive adversity.

I am not one for self pity. In myself or in others. You are divorced, you hate your life, hate where you live, and don't care for your job.

Fix what you can, learn to accept the rest.

 

There is a lot of good advice here, and a few nuggets of pretty bad advice. Hang in there, you're not alone. There are lots of people who are 'given' more than they can handle in life. Don't be afraid to reach out to others for help. What works for someone else may not work for you. Do your best to live in the moment, investing too much in the past or future can drain you pretty fast.

 

There are lots of people suffering, some way worse in magnitude than others. We ALL have our burdens to bear in life, if we think we can't take it, look around.

Read some amazing stories through history of past survivors in life: growing up, disabilities, circumstance, unforeseen occurrences and so on.

Having an attitude of this is too much doesn't help anyone persevere. Believe in being tested under conditions we are able to bear, not beyond what we can bear. If not, in a survival situation, in life, many would give up. Not fighting till the bitter end is akin to taking one's own life.

Not a bible thumper, not religious, but do believe in a higher power. (1 Cor. 10:13 about being tempted).

 

My quality of life went down to owning my guns, some clothes, and my vehicle after I got divorced.

It took a long time to get everything back to "normal" I am now remarried and have a house again, was living in the Bachelor Officers Quarters for about a year.

I spend a lot of time with the kids they live an hour away, but we have kids in the house as well.

I transferred to a different region after getting divorced to get away from her.

My divorce was easier I am the one that initiated it.

 

You lack perspective. Yeah, things are tough, but they are tough all over. But you have it better than most. Life is tough. You made the decisions that got you here, deal with them, pull your big boy boots on and start working toward making things better.

Boo hooing and feeling sorry for yourself won't solve a thing.

 

Acceptance is where you are headed. Get there and then build again. You know what you have going for you? Freedom to make choices. Choose people, ideas, self growth.

Possessing things, all the guarding, maintenance, cleaning .....you don't really have the energy or time for it. We can live simply. Make it about living with no strings attached, open arms, a relaxed grasp on money, things and even people who used to be a major part of your life.

Poor or wealthy....you can be happy. Everything in creation has a cycle. You have a beautiful sunny day. You can't hold onto it. The next day comes. Spring turns to summer, summer to fall and then winter. Don't try to hold on. Let yourself celebrate these things as they pass.

Don't get me wrong. It's not easy. Just never substitute having for being. My biggest obstacle is always planning too far in the future. When there is no promise we will even have tomorrow we should be here now.

Many have been where you are. I know, it feels like someone has their foot on your throat. You have no control of your pursuit of happiness. That's what it feels like but that's truly not how it is. You have freedom of choices.

 

Hangfire2 - hang on and be patient. As others have said, don't do anything quickly - think i through. There is no reason to make quick, irrational decisions, they will come back to haunt you. I've been down this road and that road will lead to a good end if you let it. When we try to force a decision, its like forcing a tool, something breaks.

Don't let yourself succumb to self pity - pick yourself up and focus on something. My recommendation is you focus on your kid. Don't worry about finding a woman, it will come when it does. Be strong.

 

You go boy. Keep plugging along. Stay busy. If you need to sell off some assets to stay above water then so be it.
Faith can help you. Others can let you know that you are not alone. Quality of life is what you make it. Enjoy the little things.
Good luck with it.