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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was 21 yrs old and on my way to 2nd shift at the plant on my new CB750 Honda Motorcycle.
I Thought I was so cool, Shades, leather, Man I am bad.
I stopped at a light behind a high school bus full of Girls. They were watching me as they got off the school bus, waving and smiling..
I was sitting there revving the engine.
The light turned green and the school bus took off.
To this day I still wonder what crapped on my face.
I let out the clutch and the biggest pile of bird crap I ever saw in my life hit me in the face.
My sun glasses were covered, it was in my mouth and nose, and I couldn't see where I was going.
I crashed into some hedges on the side of the road.
The girls started laughing so hard I thought they were going to pee their pants.
I was speechless, then I started to laugh out loud.
From cool to fool in 30 seconds.
 

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We went up to see a sculpture ranch near Johnson City, TX. Had a Jeep Liberty at the time. It's a long narrow road through different properties. My wife see's a sculpture and wanted a pic. It had rained a few days before...but was mostly dry. So some may know how smart men are. So when the wife says "I wouldn't get off the road, you can't tell if it's still wet under the weeds..." Of course I ignore her and say..."nah...it looks dry..." Took about 5 seconds to be buried to the chasis where her door wouldn't even open.

So there we sit. 70+ miles from home....no GPS...have pretty much no way to get help as cell is out of area. This spot is about 10 miles off the main rd. Finally, aftyer almost two hours, a Durango goes by, but doesn't offer help...but goes to a museum we didn't know existed at the end of the rd. Soon a lady in a golf cart comes and said "looks you need help." Yep. We do. Runnin out of daylight.

She leaves, and my wife is like what? About 10 minutes later...a man pulls up on a backhoe. He's dressed in shorts, a cowboy hat and boots, and a t shirt. I crawl in the mud and hook up a chain he had, and threw a jacket over the chain.

He gets us out after I thought we we gonna yank the front end out from under the Liberty after about the 4th pull.

So I'm humbled. Then I find out who the man is.after he invites us into his studio for coffee. I'm not that much into artist, but he was a famous Italian artist John Benini. I was so deep there was mud on top of my calipers, even on top of the muffler. Nothing like a little humility sometimes, right guys? We go by that road often driving the hill country...she reminds me jokingly..."wanna go see John's art"...snicker, snicker.....Love her.

PS...one of the coolest people we've met in our endeavors.........
 

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Bravo Zulu
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Years ago, I'd just put a new flyscreen on the sliding door. This door was about 4' wide and the new screen was black.

I did a great job, it was tight as a drum and there were no wrinkles or creases. Of course, with the flyscreen being dark and the inside of the house being dark, you couldn't see it from the outside.

Anyway, a few weeks later my parents came to visit. I was outside, drinking a few beers with the old man when I had a brainwave. I passed him my beer and said, "I gotta show ya something", then got up and ran inside.

You guessed it, I forgot all about that damn flyscreen and busted that door clean off the rails.
 

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I moved to a new city back in 2007, and I just couldnt find a new job for the life of me. It took 4 months of searching just for me to get a call for a first interview. I got the call on an early Tuesday morning and they wanted to see me at 12 oclock that day. Just so happens I was sick as a dog that day, stuff coming out of both ends. I told them Id be there so I rolled out of bed and got ready. On my way to the interview I sneezed so hard that I sharted in a brand new pair of khakis that I had just bought. Disgusted with life I pulled over and got out of my truck to look in the mirror to see how much damage I had caused and yup there was a huge **** spot. Realizing that I couldnt go to the interview with soiled drawers I sped back home to change. I didnt see a trooper sitting behind a billboard and he clocked me doing 78 in a 55. Needless to say, I ended up with a $290 ticket, ****ty pants, and still no job.

Bad day....
 

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Was heading home from my buds house, it was raining and I was driving my truck for the first time in a while. (88 k5 blazer no ABS, was used to ABS) I had to head home to get ready for work that night and I was sick all day anyway. I was driving fast to make it to the gas station before I crapped my pants, there is a sharp corner at the end of the road, which has a small ditch that leads out into a field... I touched the brakes a bit too hard and since it was raining they locked up and sent me over the ditch into the field where I crapped down both pants legs as it hit the field. Worst part is I had to get out and lock the hubs in then get back in the truck. It was a mess.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
It was 1972 and I was 21.
I got off 2nd shift at the plant and the guys asked me to stop off at the local tavern with them. I never had hard liquor before. They were goofing on me and the bartender was in cahoots with them. They pretended they were teaching me to drink shots of Scotch. When the tavern closed @ 2AM I staggered out to my beat up Opel Kadet and started to drive home. Some where netween the Bar and home I was pulled over by a cop.
He asked me if I knew why I was being pulled over. I don't remember what my reply was but he said, I stopped you because your muffler is dragging and shooting sparks down the road. He said be careful and let me go. (wouldn't happen today).
When I woke up the next afternoon, I had my first hangover and felt like I was going to die.
I walked out side and remembered what the cop said about my muffler.
I bent down under the car to look and almost crapped my pants.
The thing that I was dragging and making the sparks was a STOP SIGN!!!!!!!!!!
 

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On the way to the gallows
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It was 1972 and I was 21.
I got off 2nd shift at the plant and the guys asked me to stop off at the local tavern with them. I never had hard liquor before. They were goofing on me and the bartender was in cahoots with them. They pretended they were teaching me to drink shots of Scotch. When the tavern closed @ 2AM I staggered out to my beat up Opel Kadet and started to drive home. Some where netween the Bar and home I was pulled over by a cop.
He asked me if I knew why I was being pulled over. I don't remember what my reply was but he said, I stopped you because your muffler is dragging and shooting sparks down the road. He said be careful and let me go. (wouldn't happen today).
When I woke up the next afternoon, I had my first hangover and felt like I was going to die.
I walked out side and remembered what the cop said about my muffler.
I bent down under the car to look and almost crapped my pants.
The thing that I was dragging and making the sparks was a STOP SIGN!!!!!!!!!!
Gawd, I'm old enough to remember the Opel Kadet. I even remember the commercial where they had one in a tug of war with an elephant.

My story takes place about the same time. I was out on my own living downtown in a cheap motel that costs $19 a week. The only transportation I had was an old Honda motorcycle that got me to work and back--an hour's drive.

On the way to the parking lot I used to wave at an old woman that sat in a rocking chair in a store window across the street. I thought she was probably the mother of the owner of the store. Some days she'd be outside on the balcony taking in the sun, some days she'd be sitting there watching what's going on in town. This went on for several months and I noticed people on the street and in store windows waving back at me, except the old lady. I was getting annoyed at the snotty old bitch since she seemed to be too good to wave at some long haired bike bum like me. Finally one day I saw banners on the store where the old lady sat was going out of business. The day came when they were moving all the stuff out of the place and loading up a truck. I walked by to see if there was anything I could salvage and when I looked inside the truck the old lady was in there. It was then I discovered all the time I was waving at the old lady, I was really waving at a damned mannequin! :eek:
 

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In the early to mid eighties, I worked for a local barricade company. Work was being done on San Antonio's northwest side at I-10 West and Loop 1604. They were fixing to hand concrete trusses over I-10 for the new 1604 bridge span going over 10. I was out at 3 in the morning running what's called a detour route....where I had to hang detour signs, because I had to close I-10 and divert all traffic onto the frontage roads to bypass the work.

So I'm bolting a detour sign onto a sign pole, with the trip lights (Strobe lights on my truck), as my light source. I feel something in my hair....and it's damned fire ants. I was covered. I have a little flashlight and look down, and I'm standing in a good sized fire ant bed at the base of the pole. I start stripping down right on the side of the road, and slapping myself all over to get em off me. Was no traffic, that could see me anyway....and frankly...I wouldn't have cared.

Picture Will Ferrell in Talladega Nights when he thinks he's on fire....lol And I only got bit about a dozen times.....
 

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LOL...on that same job, about 3 months later...a helper and I were taking down some temporary guard rails. These are bolted to 55 gallon drums, that have about 500 lbs of sand bags in each. Got all the rail off....and were removing the bags. I'm wearing old jeans with a hole in the right knee. The bags have been there for months and deteriorated, and had rotted with holes in most. I didn't see the scorpion fall out of one.

My helper did, and hollered. By the time I looked down...it was on my right leg and went in the hole and fell down in my boot. Couldn't run up my left leg, nooo.

Note to self: Never slap a scorpion in your boot. This ****es off scorpions, and they will sting you multiple times on their way to scorpion afterlife.

That's the day I found out I was allergic to them. My tongue swelled up, lips turned blue and I turned pale. Analytic shock. Helper rushed me to ER where I got a large injection of Benadryl in my arse.

That job site and I just didn't get along with any small creatures that lived out there.........lol
 

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Prepared Firebird
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Okay, guys. I think I have a better funny story than all of yours put together. Anyone, who is not convulsed with hysterial laughter, after reading this.......is clinically dead. LOL

I make handmade quilts. A few years ago, I bought a standing floor quilting hoop on e-Bay. Naturally, when it arrived, it lacked two of the four bolts I needed to put it together. Being the stubborn soul that I am........I decided that I would just drive over to the local hardware store and get replacement bolts.

Walk into that store and decide that I will save a lot of time if I ask at the info desk to get an employee to find those parts for me. Go over to the girl at the desk (who had green hair streaked with purple, black lipstick, a safety pin pierced thru one eyebrow and metal studs pierced thru both lips). Also a very large wad of bubble gum in her mouth. I hold up my ziploc bag with the two bolts in it and tell her than I need two more of these. She stared at the bag for a couple of moments, lost in thought, and cracking her gum like pistol shots.

Finally, she keys up the loudspeaker mike. "EARL !!!!!!!!!!! LADY AT THE FRONT DESK NEEDS TWO SCREWS !!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Mother of Pearl. Everything male in the store immediately burst into loud laughter. I briefly considering fleeing the store......but then decided it could not get much worse. And I really DID want those bolts. LOL

So, I wait for.......oh......maybe two centuries. Then, finally, Earl shuffles slowly up to the desk. Earl is about 87 years old, wearing a pair of very faded bib overalls probably left over from the Gold Rush days, has (maybe) 6 strands of hair in a combover, yellow tobacco stained teeth, and really impressive unwashed body odor. Plus, has a very big lecherous grin on his face.

Old Earl must have thought his ship had really sailed in. Not only did the lady need two screws......she also had big hooters. Which his watery old eyes homed in on like lasers. "Kin ah hep yew"......he said as he practically drooled down the front of those overalls.

I jingled the bolts in front of his face just to break the trance he was in. Told him I needed TWO BOLTS. He said "yes ma'am". We walk (in slow motion) over to the open stock hardware section, and he s-l-o-w-l-y matches up the bolts. Then he asks (hopefully)......."anythin else ah kin do fer ya". I answer: "No, Earl. I think I've had all the help I can stand, for today."

Slink up to the front of the store to pay for my two bolts. Most of the male customers in the store have found some excuse to be hanging around the check-out counter. I ignore all the suggestive remarks and escape into the parking lot.

Gotta love living in a small country town. (Not). LOL
 

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It was 2005, I was the New squad leader of a combat engineer unit and we were in Germany training for our upcoming deployment to Afghanistan. I was new, had a Sgt Rock reputation and was trying to keep it up. Was getting close to christmas and we had been out in the woods in snow, ice, freezing rain, rain, mud, more snow and freezing rain...you ever wonder why Germans are so tough?
So we had all been freezing for about two months, just miserable, finally one day some trucks come to picknus up and take us to the rear for a 3 day rest, after about 60 days of living in freezing rain and mud as light infantry.
We get on the truck, the wind starts blowing, I look at my guys and after 60 days of saying nothing of the cold, say "it's fuc$&ng cold boys, put on some snivel gear!"
 

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Okay, guys. I think I have a better funny story than all of yours put together. Anyone, who is not convulsed with hysterial laughter, after reading this.......is clinically dead.
Eh I chuckled a lil.... I think the dude with obviously some very good weed waving at the mannequin has got my vote so far...


On a side note, any chance we can see them hooters? :D:
 
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