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Knocked Down But Up Again
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Discussion Starter #1
Some of you who know me know that my husband and I have been on the rocks for quite some time.

This afternoon, after my husband bought a Hummer without consulting me or even informing me of this major purchase, I told my in-laws about our impending divorce as gently as I could. My husband claims that he hasn't been having an affair, but I have documented proof that he has been. They believe him and not me. So, it seems that this is the beginning of the end. As much as I love my in-laws, I have apparently seen the first collateral damage and loss.

At this point in time the legal system guarantees me access to an attorney and a legally binding dissolution of marriage. But, what happens after the SHTF and there are no courts and attorneys and legal documents? What's a person to do?

Any advice from anyone who's been there? We've been married for over 22 years, so it's not like I'm going into this lightly.
 

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Will let you beg for food
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793 Posts
Well technically everone would be commonlaw because there would be no legal marriage. I see things going a more tribal route where a band of elders would be approached to make a decision. Or perhaps there would be no concept of marriage...dunno.

Sorry that you are going through this. And you have to laugh at him...buy a hummer with the gas at this price? And losing a lady like you?

If he has been cheating take him to the cleaners and take all the cash and buy yourself a cozy little place suitable for bugging out in. These are the best years of your life about to come up. Enjoy them once you have healed!
 

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Wild Edibles Expert
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10,167 Posts
If society falls apart and the governing body that married you no longer exists then the issue of divorce is moot. It is no longer around to grant a divorce or enforce bigamy laws should you remarry. If however a new political structure takes over and becomes as sophisticated as that which fell marriages probably would be recognized (such as marriages performed under the Soviet Union still being valid in the Ukraine.) Otherwise it would be by the mores of the group.
 

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Curious Cat
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415 Posts
Good riddance to bad rubbish.

The fastest way to get over a relationship is to jump into a new one.
We often tell ourselves after we’ve been hurt that we’re going to be extra careful to make sure it will never happen again. This often results in bitter loneliness.

Go sleep around. Take up with the first crazy man who looks your way. Have some fun. Make some mistakes. Buy a new wardrobe. Dye your hair. Stay up late and go to a bar in the bad part of town. Learn how to spit.
VW
 

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not a nut
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1,629 Posts
So sorry to hear,

sometimes change is for the best ya just don't know it till its happened.

I wish you the best *sends warm fuzzy*
 

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Banned
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486 Posts
I dont mean to sound insensitive but Which model did he buy? Hummers are great I own two. H1 and an H2.

As far as the in-laws you can't really blame them for wanting to take there own flesh and bloods side.

Best of luck with whatever you do!
 

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Registered
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4,268 Posts
Well- why wait and be miserable? If you know you want out- get out. And frankly- if he's buying Hummers without even consulting you first- I'd do it before he runs through the rest of the money- since 50% of it is yours.

... Sorry to hear about your in-laws... but... why would you tell them this? Isn't it more appropriate to let him break the news to his own parents? :(




Some of you who know me know that my husband and I have been on the rocks for quite some time.

This afternoon, after my husband bought a Hummer without consulting me or even informing me of this major purchase, I told my in-laws about our impending divorce as gently as I could. My husband claims that he hasn't been having an affair, but I have documented proof that he has been. They believe him and not me. So, it seems that this is the beginning of the end. As much as I love my in-laws, I have apparently seen the first collateral damage and loss.

At this point in time the legal system guarantees me access to an attorney and a legally binding dissolution of marriage. But, what happens after the SHTF and there are no courts and attorneys and legal documents? What's a person to do?

Any advice from anyone who's been there? We've been married for over 22 years, so it's not like I'm going into this lightly.
 

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Aquaholic
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4,905 Posts
sorry to hear about the split, i know it's been a rocky year for y'all. everything happens for a reason...though not readily apparent at first. let me know if i can do anything to help.
 

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Registered
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1,099 Posts
You are not alone. After 11 years of constant whining I am in the early stages of cutting the wife loose. I agonize over loosing my brother-in-law as
we're good buds, but loosing my two step-daughter and 5 grandchildren is really going to hurt. Dear Lady- you have your sanity to think about as I do,
so we will do what we do best-SURVIVE!
talon-out
 

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Looking upward
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211 Posts
I learned that when in situations like this, when you confide in someone- they often feel the need to pick sides. I was appalled at the people who picked HIS side. Some of them did not even LIKE HIM! I confided in the in-laws as I felt I was justified and he was very wrong and they were the ones I had. They in turn pretended to care and used everything I said as ammunition. after a nasty divorce and time to come pick up my few items given to be in the divorce, I was faced with a nasty MIL who was like a viper. You would have thought I was the one cheating, abusive, lying, and walking away with the house, police pension, inheritence, and assets instead of him.
4 years later and I still haven't had a serious relationship and can't trust people because of how I was lied to and back stabbed.
Careful about involving the inlaws. I wish I could have seen it coming like you're able to with them. Parents will usually choose their own even of they're wrong.
 

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Senior Member
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1,794 Posts
Maybe if society breaks down to the point where no licensing, paperwork, prenups, lawyers, counseling, expensive baubles or extravagant weddings are involved in the marriage process; perhaps we can concentrate on the relationship itself. The relationship seems to take a back seat to the process nowadays. Those of you who are fortunate enough to have found a life-long companion do not need the fluff or paperwork to justify staying together. However, being a realist, I might add that anyone of us can wake up tomorrow and find ourselves in the same position despite how confident we are that this would never happen to us. Those who think that their relationship will survive no matter what may be only fooling themselves. It is best to treat one's significant other like they have a choice whether or not they remain with you. Too many these days think that, with a marriage certificate, they inherit some type of ownership of a fellow human being. You are only renting folks so take care of the merchandise. Again, being a realist, a third person appearing in the equation may undermine all of your honorable efforts through the years. This happened to me after the nineth year of my first marriage.

Separating after a breakdown in the system might just be not as common as it is now but it certainly would be easier. Whoever carries off the most stuff the fastest - wins. Those that are facing the prospect of separation or divorce might wish to heed the warnings of the legion of folks who have went through it. Do not be nice as this will be your eventual downfall. Get what you can as soon as you can and consider it the beginning of a new and better life.
 

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291 Posts
sorry to hear of your situation. i'll probably be there soon enough myself. well at least after everything is said and done and youre ready to try again. theres probably a lot of singles on the forum here and youd probably have a lot in common with. but don't rush into anything .good luck
 

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Premium Member
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1,421 Posts
I would hope after shtf there would be cells or groups of us living together or close by one another to help through bad times and share in good times. I would hope there would be pastors to marry, see after the flock kind of thing. As for divorce, this may sound strange but I didn't need a church to be married and I don't need a lawyer to consider myself divorced. Scruggs is right, imo. The very ones you think will stick together may be the 1st to fall apart. My mother cried - tears of sadness - when I married my husband and yet 3 boys and 32 years later we are happier than ever. Parents who do what your outlaws did aren't helping anyone - they are enabling bad behavior and contributing to a marriage breaking up as your husband can now say ... see, even my parents think I'm right. Years ago my husband and I went through a very bad patch and it almost ended us. I confided in my mother in law and while she seemed to comfort me she was telling my husband how justified he was. We all came out of that stronger but it taught me to be careful who I confided in and that if push came to pull, my mother in law would push me right out of my husbands life! Oh goodness, my son is on this list also - so, son if you read this please remember I love grandma - from a distance, you know that. And my mom who cried sadly, well she told me to quit whining, decide if my life would be better with or without him and then do something about it. Either work to save the marriage or work to kick his hinny to the curb. I guess that's my advice to you also. I'm sorry you are hurting but you've got to do what will save you in the end. If the marriage is not workable and there's been offenses you can't move past then staying would only make you both miserable. However, if you can forgive and work really hard there isn't much you can not get past. To forgive is hard but it is do-able. If you decide this isn't workable then don't hesitate. Like others have said get while the getting is good. My sister waited hoping she and her husband could work out their problems. All the while her husband and his parents were hiding money and property and my sister walked away from the courthouse with 0. And frankly, in my situation not being a doormat woke my husband up. He honestly thought I'd sit back crying and we'd eventually divorce and he'd get to go with all the money, property and retirement. Silly man. Once he saw I meant business and he realized what he was about to lose, he got scared - very scared. So, we sat down and worked for months putting us back together and I left here and lived on my own for about 4 months. I didn't come back until we learned to love one another again - not just stay together to keep stuff. And like Scruggs said we both appreciate that the other doesn't have to be in this relationship - we choose to be.

Be careful and don't let your emotions rule you. But, if you can't work this out or the husband won't work with you then take his hinny to the cleaners if you can. I'm not saying take everything and leave him with nothing. Be fair. But, don't be a doormat and let him take or hide everything from you. I truly am sorry for your pain. God bless you.
 

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Banned
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I dont mean to sound insensitive but Which model did he buy? Hummers are great I own two. H1 and an H2.

As far as the in-laws you can't really blame them for wanting to take there own flesh and bloods side.

Best of luck with whatever you do!
Two? TWO?
Two freaking hummers? Who are you, the Guv?

Brimasmom, I'm sorry to read of you going through this. Where I am, a purchase of something like a hummer is just below the purchase of a house in scale, and it's ridiculous that he didn't talk with you about this first.
In regards to a SHTF situation....I don't know. My wife just finished brow beating me for picking up a measly 100 dollar bipod and some canned fod, even though I worked several days overtime to pay for it...
What are you asking, exactly? If the SHTF before you can get a divorce? While you are getting a divorce? Or if you are able to divorce while the S is H'ing the F? One thing's for sure; if there's disunity and distrust now, your survival rate is going to plummet in a crisis scenario.
 

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infowars.com
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421 Posts
what happend to death do us part yes he may have cheated on you and yes he should have consulted you on purchase but shouldnt you both sit and talk about what the problems are i see how everyone says leave but didnt you both want to spend the rest of your lifes together

i'm not saying let him run you over but i feel a divorce should only happen if theres physical abuse or drugs involved i dont no your situation fully but i bet his folks went thru the cheating problem with each other maybe even yours what if they would have called it quits like i said i dont no your history but hopefully you get what im tryin to say

i dont no your age eather but maybe he is going thru a mid-life crisis and i no you have been thinking about what to do and with you going to his folks i think is your way of trying to maybe get them involved in trying to keep your marriage together maybe try to spend time apart maybe he should stay at his folks or you at yours for a while

some people on here are like get your 50 and leave or dont be misrable and leave but obviously thats not what you want we no theres good and bad times i have been married and i got a divorce but she devoloped a drug problem and cheated on me i could deal with the cheating but when dope got invovled she had to go cause i dont no anyone who ever used drugs never start again it may take 5 or 10 years to start up again but 90% usually

thats my advice but the only info i no is what you posted , i just dont advacate divorce
unless for the reasons stated and i dont think you want one but at the same time he needs to be honest with and admit he was wrong

BECAUSE YOU CANT FIX A MISTAKE UNTILL YOU ADMIT YOU MADE ONE
 

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[what happend to death do us part yes he may have cheated on you and yes he should have consulted you on purchase but shouldnt you both sit and talk about what the problems are i see how everyone says leave but didnt you both want to spend the rest of your lifes together

i'm not saying let him run you over but i feel a divorce should only happen if theres physical abuse or drugs involved i dont no your situation fully but i bet his folks went thru the cheating problem with each other maybe even yours what if they would have called it quits like i said i dont no your history but hopefully you get what im tryin to say

i dont no your age eather but maybe he is going thru a mid-life crisis and i no you have been thinking about what to do and with you going to his folks i think is your way of trying to maybe get them involved in trying to keep your marriage together maybe try to spend time apart maybe he should stay at his folks or you at yours for a while

some people on here are like get your 50 and leave or dont be misrable and leave but obviously thats not what you want we no theres good and bad times i have been married and i got a divorce but she devoloped a drug problem and cheated on me i could deal with the cheating but when dope got invovled she had to go cause i dont no anyone who ever used drugs never start again it may take 5 or 10 years to start up again but 90% usually

thats my advice but the only info i no is what you posted , i just dont advacate divorce
unless for the reasons stated and i dont think you want one but at the same time he needs to be honest with and admit he was wrong
Dude, I agree with the trying to work it out but...

You would rather have someone throw their cock in your wife before she did a couple lines of coke!!!!:eek: That is messed up man. Seriously. Guess we all value different things.
By the way, punctuation helps:eek::
 

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infowars.com
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421 Posts
i can take her cheating on me with one dude then the gang bang on coke
i no how girls are on dope plus if she is not working how does she pay for it with out me noticing
 

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Mourning Wolf
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248 Posts
I think there'd be a large difference between divorce in a SHTF situation and a EOTWAWKI scenario when it comes to divorce. In a SHTF scenario the mayhem and collapse is usually localized and temporary before "normal life" resumes and often involves a disaster of some sort in the area you live/work in.

In those situations given a large amount of joint equity is likely damaged or destroyed one may well find themselves needing to continue to live together during and after for a time until finances/living conditions can permit the divorce to be finalized.

In a EOTWAWKI scenario most such marriages would be applicable only as a status/social/religious symbol to the local community one lives within and have little practical affect outside of this domain. Divorce under such circumstances would also likely vary widely depending on the community and the circumstances surrounding the divorce.

An abusive partner may very well find themselves exiled from the community with naught but the clothes on their back (or some tar and feathers) by an irate mob; or the party seeking divorce finding themselves given only a fraction of jointly owned resources due to local religious/social belief's. There's also the possibility they simply may not be allowed to divorce at all until death does them part.

Realistically though any kind of "official" marriage/divorce is likely to be at the bottom of the priority scale compared to simply staying alive and ensuring one own safety. (and that of their family/group they're part of)

There's also the strong consideration that in a EOTWAWKI scenario many of the common problems causing modern day divorces (sharing finances, cheating, drug addiction etc..) simply won't be as much of an issue given people are going to be more closely knit and the total collapse of society will make it moderately difficult/impossible to purchase new hummers or kilos of coke without one's lover being aware of the purchase before hand or successfully having an affair. (In a small community it's pretty easy to find out who's lifting their dress to whom)
 

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Premium Member
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I absolutely agree that a marriage should be preserved if at all possible. 22 years is a long time to flush down the drain. Brimasmom seems like such a nice lady and I believe she is taking her time, thinking and trying to work out this situation. She's simply seeking advice and though you (luvdahills) think we are all telling her to leave, the way I see it, we are telling her to be careful, make sure what she wants but don't let that man stomp on her. She can not trust him right now and unless she learns how to trust again, it's a done deal in my book. Trying to work out bad feelings between spouses is not spending that kind of money without discussion, in my opinion. And the hummer was just the latest decisions he appears to have made without thinking what was best for her. Only the person involved knows if she can support herself, if she can be alone or even wants to be and what the situation is in other aspects of her life. I just hope she ends up happy. Yes, I believe in stick through thick and thin - as my mom used to say ... you made your bed hard, now lie in it. Divorce should be a last resort, imo. However, emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse. And with diseases going around these days that aren't treatable - no way. There are to many people who don't take the death do us part thing seriously and I don't want to die because some guy can't stay faithful. There's a form of cervical cancer going around that is caused by one or both partners having multiple sexual partners and women are dying. The man, of course can't get cervical cancer but he can pass the germ on to his next partner.

In my case, I'm 51 years old. If something happens to my husband before shtf then I won't be rich but I'll be able to take care of myself. And if a man comes around me he better have health certificates in hand if he wants anything other than friendship. If shtf before my husband leaves for Heaven well, the money will be gone but that's why he is stocking supplies now and then I have 3 sons, surely one of them will look after mama (and her supplies). That's what I meant about Brimasmom, she knows her situation and can figure out what is best for her. For me, a piece of man is not better than no man. And I'm not some silly school girl who thinks batting her eyes is all it takes to take care of a man. I'm a real woman and I demand a real man. More than that, I'm a Christian woman and I want a Christian man. That is why I hope Brimasmom doesn't think I'm advocating divorce. I hate divorce but it takes 2 to make a marriage work. I would recommend counseling, preferably through a church but again, only Brimasmom knows if her husband is willing. Still, I recommend it for her. If for no other reason than to get her head on straight, look at her options and plan for her future. There are lots of women (and men) who stay after infidelity or lack of trust who never love the spouse again but to be happy they have to look at reality and decide to live separate lives - in the same house. Some can't support themselves, some don't want to give up their lifestyle or upset other family members primarily children or elderly parents. There's lots of reasons. We all have our bottom line and Brimasmom has to decide what hers is.

Well, I've said way more than 2 cent worth (sorry) so I reckon I've said my 2 dollars worth! God bless.
 
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