"we finally managed to attach the bayonet to the assault rifle correctly. Little do they know that they will be contributing to their own demise as we record bayonet violence that will no doubt result in a nationwide bayonet ban!"
Ohhhhh. Man's inhumanity to man. I feel so oppressed having seen that assault weapon glaring at me with evil intent. Why must this insanity persist? When will it all end? How many lives have been ruined by that stationary object?
We received a claim of spontaneous assault weapon violence yesterday and investigated. We were dismayed to find no evidence that the assault weapon was involved in any spontaneous acts of violence. We will continue our vigil with your support, as we know it's only a matter of time before the streets run with blood!