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Unemployment sucks.
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well i guess some back story is in order. my wife is diagnosed bi-polar. So needless to say their are some stresses their. Now over the years I have allowed myself to become angry from the situation and at times i do loose my temper. Now my wife became angry at me( i was a jerk in the past, but the power of Christ is changing that) for past hurts. Her Grandfather also had died the week before. Now over that week she sank lower into what appeared to be depression( granted this is all based off the limited information i had at the time) She wrote what appeared to be a suicide note(it was titled for"for my family if anything happens to me" it was telling us all goodbye), took a razor blade and cut here forearms with very shallow cuts.(the endorphins make here feel good) Told me she had wanted to take a entire bottle of pills. Now as we are talking and I am trying to get here to open up and talk or agree to check into the hospital she said something and I lost my temper and slammed my hands into the counter and yelled a loud swear word in a very angry manner.( 1st mistake) She then became emotional and started to go to the back room. I followed trying to comfort here I had already deescalated my anger and realized my mistake. I reached up to try and comfort her and apologize for loosing my temper and she said don't touch me. well i tried to reach up and grab her hand or arm( i don't remember witch) and continue to comfort and try to deescalate the situation. ( my second big mistake) At this point she flies into a rage and tries to leave the house with our kids. At this point i am already worried about a possible suicide attempt so I grabbed here from behind in a bear hug wrapped my arms around here and held her wrists. She began to fight so I let go grabbed the phone and stood in front of the door and called 911. She managed to pry the door open and i grabbed one arm as she slipped by me to leave. But once again she started fighting so i let go. It ends up she calmed down once she got on the road, but now she s trying to tell me I was being abusive. I know I didn't respond %100 percent correctly and I made mistakes in handling the situation. I guess my question is do you all consider my actions to be abusive?
 

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ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒ&
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8,248 Posts
She is struggling with an illness-remember that. Her illness can have a profound impact on her and all of those around her. Be supportive and ensure that she is in a safe environment.

It sounds like you and your wife need more professional assistance than can be offered on this Forum.

Best of luck to you.
 

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Unemployment sucks.
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686 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
oh trust me we are trying to get it, she isnt being the most cooperative in it, but i guess its just one day at a time. I was just looking for a impartial view of the situation.
 

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Trouble following rules
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I really feel for you bud. I lived with my ex-wife and her depression (and alcoholism) for too many years. I know how hard it is. Anybody who hasn't lived in a situation like this just doesn't know. Of course you want to do the best that you can for her and your entire family, but make sure you take care of yourself and your own sanity too. Even though you may at times lose your temper and say or do things you later regret, you're obviously trying or you wouldn't have posted this here. Also, people, like your wife, who are going through what she is, tend to be master manipulators of people and situations. I don't think you're an abuser. I wish you both luck.
 

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ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒ&
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Mental illness is very tough on a marriage. It boils down to which is deeper--your love for your spouse, or your love for your own sanity.

I do not envy you my friend.

To answer your question though--No. I do not think that you were being abusive if you were fearful for her safety.

The thing about suicidal ideation, gestures and attempt---it destroys your trust in that person not to harm themselves. And trust is the foundation of any relationship.

I will go out on a limb here. I bet that some time in the not-too-distant past, there has been a suicidal attempt or gesture and that you have become so protective of her health and well being that she began to resent it and complain about it. Once she seemed stable and regained some trust, chemical imbalance kicked in and she had another gesture or attempt thus repeating the cycle.
 

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Consent Withdrawn!
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The best advise I can give you is to seek counseling. NOT government, try a church. Try AA or Al-Anon. You both must trust whomever you choose.
Your post closely resembles my first marriage. We didn't make it. After years of animosity, yelling and fighting the divorce was final. Four years later, she overdosed and died.
One thing I had to work through is that I needed help, too. Not saying you do. But, I spent years in Al-Anon, for the families of the addicts/alcoholics. I began to get some serenity in my life. I learned what was in my power to control; and what was not. I learned to turn it over to God. I even came to terms with God, his terms, not mine. I got well.
It was only then, that I was capable of helping my children. That was when I got custody of them.
We had three kids. All three were seriously effected, but they worked through it with my help and a truly loving step-mother. They're grown now, on their own and productive. No, they're not issue free, but they'll make it.
I wish you and your family the best.
If you have no objection I will keep you in my prayers.
 

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I guess you could have handled the situation better, but I wouldn't say you were abusive. Still, I doubt arguing more about it with your wife would help much, so it might just be best to concede and apologize. If you really think she might be a danger to herself or your kids and you have evidence it is possible to have her involuntarily institutionalized, although this should probably be a last resort.

Anyway, I hope you manage to get her some help and everything turns out alright for your family.
 

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Your jujitsu is no good
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I don't know the laws in your area but you can not hold a person against their will without a good reason. I think you have a good reason but you would still be on thin ice with the cops. If your wife won't get pro help maybe you should go by yourself and see what they have to say.
 

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I really feel for you bud. I lived with my ex-wife and her depression (and alcoholism) for too many years. I know how hard it is. Anybody who hasn't lived in a situation like this just doesn't know. Of course you want to do the best that you can for her and your entire family, but make sure you take care of yourself and your own sanity too. Even though you may at times lose your temper and say or do things you later regret, you're obviously trying or you wouldn't have posted this here. Also, people, like your wife, who are going through what she is, tend to be master manipulators of people and situations. I don't think you're an abuser. I wish you both luck.
Wow, sounds like you and I married twins.

To the OP; I imagine you love this woman and want to make things work out. I feel for you. If you do stay with this woman, remember, she is most likely going to have these manic to depressive swings for her entire life. It is a big burden to bear and if you are willing to shoulder it then do so. Stay away from alcohol and drugs yourself (will only cloud your judgment and potentially escalate your situation) as you will have to be the rock of the relationship. Try not to take things too personally. Perhaps also couples counseling would be a good thing.
 

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ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒ&
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I don't know the laws in your area but you can not hold a person against their will without a good reason. I think you have a good reason but you would still be on thin ice with the cops. If your wife won't get pro help maybe you should go by yourself and see what they have to say.
Keeping someone from harming themselves or others is a pretty good reason.
 

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Well i guess some back story is in order. my wife is diagnosed bi-polar. So needless to say their are some stresses their. Now over the years I have allowed myself to become angry from the situation and at times i do loose my temper. Now my wife became angry at me( i was a jerk in the past, but the power of Christ is changing that) for past hurts. Her Grandfather also had died the week before. Now over that week she sank lower into what appeared to be depression( granted this is all based off the limited information i had at the time) She wrote what appeared to be a suicide note(it was titled for"for my family if anything happens to me" it was telling us all goodbye), took a razor blade and cut here forearms with very shallow cuts.(the endorphins make here feel good) Told me she had wanted to take a entire bottle of pills. Now as we are talking and I am trying to get here to open up and talk or agree to check into the hospital she said something and I lost my temper and slammed my hands into the counter and yelled a loud swear word in a very angry manner.( 1st mistake) She then became emotional and started to go to the back room. I followed trying to comfort here I had already deescalated my anger and realized my mistake. I reached up to try and comfort her and apologize for loosing my temper and she said don't touch me. well i tried to reach up and grab her hand or arm( i don't remember witch) and continue to comfort and try to deescalate the situation. ( my second big mistake) At this point she flies into a rage and tries to leave the house with our kids. At this point i am already worried about a possible suicide attempt so I grabbed here from behind in a bear hug wrapped my arms around here and held her wrists. She began to fight so I let go grabbed the phone and stood in front of the door and called 911. She managed to pry the door open and i grabbed one arm as she slipped by me to leave. But once again she started fighting so i let go. It ends up she calmed down once she got on the road, but now she s trying to tell me I was being abusive. I know I didn't respond %100 percent correctly and I made mistakes in handling the situation. I guess my question is do you all consider my actions to be abusive?
Well, this is your side of the story, your wife hasn't had the luxury of defending herself or telling her side, so any comments that follow are really not worth much. Probably better off talking to a friend or clergy about such matters then posting them on the board.
 

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Miles togo before I sleep
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You and your wife are in our thoughts and prayer.

As a side note my wife is a chemist with a company that develop drug delivery systems.
One of their main products is an implant for people with BPD that delivers a steady dosage of medication over several month. It works well since people suffering with BPD tend to miss their medications. You should ask your Doctor if something like this might be of help to your wife.
I hope this is of help.
 

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If you have any firearms in the house, I strongly advise you find another location for them.

If your were abusive, there would be a history to look back on. You know where you went wrong in the situation...happens to the best of us.

As some pointed out, you can't hold someone against their will, you did flirt with that one. If you were concerned for her and your kids safety....notify the police. Her state of mind was irrational to say the least....reasoning goes out the window.

Sometimes you're put in a position where it's difficult to do what you feel is right.
 

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No Hope and Change for Me
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You seem to be very concerned about your wives well being, which is obviously a good thing. Does your wife see a Psychologist & Psychiatrist (spelling I know...) to manage her BiPolar disease? Unfortunately, I know this disease first hand and it is a handful to manage.

If your wife is not regularly seeing a professional for her disease, she should. 4 times a year is not enough to really get her disease as well managed as possible. I say 4 times because that is the protocol often used once diagnosis is made.

No, I don't think you were abusive, but please keep in mind that we are basing our responses to your comments. If your wife is making this accusation in front of your kids, you need to set them down and talk about this hopefully with your wives involvement. Your kids, depending upon their age of course, need to be heard about this because you need to understand how they perceived your actions. DO NOT expect them to "take sides" as that is not the point.

If your children witnessed this activity you described, you need to help them understand why you were taking the actions you were. Don't alarm the kids unnecessarily, but just hear their view of this matter.

I am proud of you for bringing this before forum members. It is difficult to discuss these struggles with anyone, let alone strangers. Your concern demonstrates your level of fear for what is occuring and the depth of your love for your family. You are to be commended for discussing this matter in order to help yourself and your family through this challenge. Too many men prefer to suffer in slience.

I have lost 4 friends to suicide over the years. Two were no surprise I am sorry to say but the other two absolutely shocked those who knew these people well. Bipolar mania often causes very reckless behavior and is as much a risk as is the opposite level of deep despair. Hopefully your wives medicines are helping her find a middle ground you can all live with.

I do have to say that my experience with church counseling in dealing with serious mental illness, which includes bipolar, has not been good. Many mental illnesses include very profound views of religion and the positioning in one's life. I am NOT against religion in any way (I am an ordained Minister myself) it's just that this level of problem is outside the expertise of many clergy. If it works for you, great. If not, go to a Psychologist to develop the therapy relationship which should help you and your wife and see the Psychiatrist who can develop the best drug protocol . It is critical these two professionals respect and work with one another to help you and your wife.

May God bless you and your family and bring you guidance with this major life challenge. Best Wishes my friend........
 

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First of all I'm sorry that you have to deal with such a crappy situation. I wouldn't say that you were bein abusive but maybe didn't handle things quite right just as you already expressed. What you were doin was out of love for her and tryin to protect her. The best advice I could give you, since you're claimin to be a follower of Christ is to give it over to him and allow his power to continue to transform you and guide you in the way you need to deal with these situations.
 

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I don't know anything about being diagnosed with bi-polar disease or any of that BS but obviously she wasn't actually trying to kill herself if she only made very shallow cuts. As far as all feeling suicidal BS you hear about nowadays, I personally don't believe in it myself if someone is gonna kill themselves then they will do it not talk about it. Sounds to me like shes striving for some kind of attention and wants people to feel sorry for her and needs psychiatric counseling! Sorry if I sound cold-hearted but I had crazy women pull the same crap on me before and its always just been a ploy for attention. And no your not an abusive husband but sounds like shes already putting a guilt trip on you making you feel like its your fault. I don't play it any more myself the 1st time they even hint about any of that crap its time to move on for me! Luckily I'm single though! I feel for you!
 
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