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Old 09-20-2018, 05:09 AM
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“No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?”
― Terry Pratchett, Night Watch.
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Old 09-21-2018, 06:04 AM
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I am so old that when I was a kid rainbows were in black and white.
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Old 09-21-2018, 06:07 AM
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Old 09-21-2018, 11:39 AM
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Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more
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Old 09-21-2018, 11:41 AM
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Old 09-21-2018, 11:44 AM
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Old 09-21-2018, 11:45 AM
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Quote:
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Colorado is second!?! Holy crap!
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Old 09-21-2018, 08:04 PM
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Old 09-22-2018, 01:23 AM
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“We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.
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Old 09-22-2018, 02:35 AM
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^^ Ewwww...

[and this is from someone who likes the movie "Harold and Maude".]
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Old 09-22-2018, 08:06 AM
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This is not a joke!

It makes my blood boil to know about such corrupt governance - no matter where one might be on the political spectrum.
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Old 09-23-2018, 09:41 AM
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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Old 09-23-2018, 10:30 AM
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Default For the Lexophiliacs

Lexophilia is a word used to describe those that have a love for words
and can twist them around to have a double meaning, such as

* ”You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish", or "to write with a broken
pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held
every year and this is what they came up with...

· A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

· When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

· The batteries were given out free of charge.

· A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

· A will is a dead giveaway.

· With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

· A boiled egg is hard to beat

· When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall

· Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

· Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

· A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

· When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

· The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

· He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

· When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

· Acupuncture is a jab well done that's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

'Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end'.
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Old 09-24-2018, 04:51 AM
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Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.
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Old 09-25-2018, 06:26 AM
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There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
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Old 09-26-2018, 10:03 AM
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Failure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software.
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Old 09-26-2018, 05:08 PM
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^^^ Putting it another way...

Failure is not an option—it's a **feature**!
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Old 09-26-2018, 10:30 PM
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Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do.”

A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says... “Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense.”
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Old 09-26-2018, 10:35 PM
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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"...

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
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Old 09-26-2018, 10:37 PM
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I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
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