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Old 05-24-2020, 11:51 AM
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So you are saying it is my fault I have trials? I am saving YOU, THE TAXPAYER a lot of money keeping him out of a home.
I'm not sure if you were referring to me? I'm not criticizing your caregiving. You seem to be doing a good job.

I'm criticizing you passing blame for your lot onto others. Your choices in life put you where you are now. You need to own it.
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Old 05-24-2020, 12:09 PM
PurpleKitty PurpleKitty is offline
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I married him blind and in a wheelchair, I had a good idea what to expect. Both of us would have hoped he aged better.

I don't have any problems with foster care the issue I have is putting my husband in the care of people who don't love him. Who would make him feel bad for needing help. Shame him, etc. I do not do any of that.

We don't know how bad the kid was. I am assuming he was extreme. People make you feel terrible as a caregiver if the loved one has issues. Even when they're not your fault.

A good example is when he kept trying to walk on a broken leg and one day fell out of bed. Had I asked for help I would have been made the bad guy because I dared to get 10 minutes sleep - I get this crap ALL THE TIME. People expect me to do the work of 5 people and he is always perfect, happy, and pristine.

A good example, eating. He won't eat at home, goes out in public whining he is hungry. People were getting very ugly judging me. I got some protein bars he likes and put them in the backpack. Suddenly he started eating at home because me giving him a bar wasn't playing the game of him as victim.

And I had a lot of people hating on me when he did that, until I caught on. That is just one example. Another time we both had a very bad night and I didn't get his hair brushed because it was so damn hard getting him dressed... driver yelled at me all the way to our destination because his hair wasn't brushed.

It can be a vicious cycle of work, "not good enough" for Jane Citizen, judgment, finger pointing, accusations, etc. Trying harder and still not good enough, etc. It can be exhausting.

I had to get to the point I said "I can only do so much" and do what I can. So his hair may not be brushed. He may have eaten leftovers instead of a "fresh" meal, etc. But overall he is very happy and he is the first to tell you.

BUT a lot of people don't have that - and if you think the criticism is bad caring for the loved one, giving them up (foster care of nursing home) would make it exponentially worse. The whole rest of your life you are going to have people pointing fingers and screaming at you.

She may have decided it was easier to just end it all together.

Again, I am not saying that makes murder OK but I feel if family members had more options we wouldn't see as many of these deaths.
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Old 05-24-2020, 12:34 PM
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In the worst of her frontal-temporal lobe dementia my mom (in her 50s) became a frequent flyer at the state mental hospital.

She "enjoyed" multiple, involuntary, short-term stays.

In retrospect I wish I would have begged (or bribed) them to keep her until she became bed-bound.

She would have gotten much better care had she been there long-term.
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Old 05-24-2020, 04:20 PM
PurpleKitty PurpleKitty is offline
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As things progress I hear you can put them in a nursing home for a week or so at a time. We also have an extra room so someone could stay nights if need be.

Of course with my life any caregiver had better like cats.

But we have good days I cooked his favorite meal, while I did he laid in bed with his cat and his little radio, happy as a clam. Even happier when I brought the food.

One thing I really desperately needed and did not get - the hospital offered absolutely zero training on how to deal with him when he came home. I finally was crying one night and a nurse said "Write a note asking for lessons in how to care for him, I will put it in his chart" - every time they read the chart they saw the note and they were AWESOME. But they were not allowed to do it "officially" WTF? But if I happened to watch them give a bed bath and they happened to talk about how to do it that was OK. I got a lot of 2 am lessons on how to make a bed with him in it, get him in/out of wheelchair, etc. Those people are getting a crown in heaven but WHY IN GOD'S NAME ISN'T THIS STANDARD?

This is why I say society has FAILED the caregiver in general.
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Old 05-24-2020, 04:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleKitty View Post
As things progress I hear you can put them in a nursing home for a week or so at a time. We also have an extra room so someone could stay nights if need be.

Of course with my life any caregiver had better like cats.

But we have good days I cooked his favorite meal, while I did he laid in bed with his cat and his little radio, happy as a clam. Even happier when I brought the food.

One thing I really desperately needed and did not get - the hospital offered absolutely zero training on how to deal with him when he came home. I finally was crying one night and a nurse said "Write a note asking for lessons in how to care for him, I will put it in his chart" - every time they read the chart they saw the note and they were AWESOME. But they were not allowed to do it "officially" WTF? But if I happened to watch them give a bed bath and they happened to talk about how to do it that was OK. I got a lot of 2 am lessons on how to make a bed with him in it, get him in/out of wheelchair, etc. Those people are getting a crown in heaven but WHY IN GOD'S NAME ISN'T THIS STANDARD?

This is why I say society has FAILED the caregiver in general.
Not giving you training is a failing of the hospital. Not of society. A local hospital does classes just like that.
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Old 05-24-2020, 04:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cannonfoddertfc View Post
It does not matter if the child was "special needs", it does not matter if she was "burned out", this woman intentionally killed her own child. There is a special place in hell for people like this. It is now up to a judge/jury to arrange the travel.
Settle down, she can’t be held responsible, she’s a woman after all.
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Old 05-24-2020, 04:48 PM
PurpleKitty PurpleKitty is offline
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Society has been more interested in pointing the finger and blaming me for anything that goes wrong, instead of helping me out. I think every caregiver on the board can speak to that. I actually post in a private caregiver group and it is very common for the caregivers to feed judged and attacked by other family members and society in general. Few of us feel anyone gives a damn about anything but blame games.

I'm not asking for spa days. But don't scream at me because he has a spot on his shirt, his hair is unbrushed, he eats with his hand, etc.

My local hospital did NO training and I had to beg for what I did get. My inlaws saw that sort of thing as ****** work and beneath them and refused to learn anything. My sister in law said it would be my fault when my uterus prolapsed and back failed from lifting him.

Just nice little helpful gems like that the last 28 years, makes me REALLY glad to be me. Remember I already battle horrific depressions.

All that said I have never wanted to kill him. But I could sure use a leg up some days.
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Old 05-24-2020, 05:02 PM
OzarkSteve OzarkSteve is offline
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If I were an attorney, I would use the insanity plea, which in Florida is an affirmative defense meaning she would admit to committing but deserves no punishment. Guessing in the end the attorney will plea bargain for a manslaughter charge, 10 years, out in five. The defense will bring in an expert psychologist and other third parties, who will testify to her prolonged stress with an autistic boy whom she never had help with and was under extreme stress 24/7/365. People do stupid things under prolonged stress - she probably snapped. Not saying what she did is justifiable, but it is not a case where the child was normal. The defense attorney will have a lot of room to paint a picture of a woman under stress.
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Old 05-24-2020, 07:33 PM
Kansas Terri Kansas Terri is offline
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Not giving you training is a failing of the hospital. Not of society. A local hospital does classes just like that.
Yes, they do.

When my husband had his knee replacement they would not send him home until he could manage the front steps, and PT explained what I would need to do for him
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Old 05-24-2020, 07:57 PM
PurpleKitty PurpleKitty is offline
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Back in 2003 they threw him in a wheelchair, handed me a urinal, and rolled us out to the curb. It was an old lady visiting a friend told me how to get him in/out of a vehicle.

Prior to this moment I kept telling them they had to train the family because someone was going to drop a loved one trying to do a transfer, etc. and they would end up back in the hospital. They told me it wasn't their problem.

NOW Medicare penalizes the hospital if the patient comes back so they are motivated to do basic training. But don't tell me I had help back then because I had JACK. They wouldn't even teach me how to empty the catheter until I demanded it of several people and threatened to bring him back to the ER when the bag filled.

So yeah it may be all roses now for SOME of you but every time he has been in the hospital they have thrown him to the curb every time... with no additional help for me. No training, no equipment, no lessons. Except one nosy and invasive visit from a social worker back in 2003 who shouted at me because I had laundry on the floor in front of the washer. My husband was bed bound at the time but the guy kept shouting he would "trip" on it. Really put a bad taste in my mouth for social workers.

With "help" like that is it any wonder I am reluctant to ask for assistance?
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Old 05-24-2020, 08:00 PM
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Old 05-24-2020, 08:37 PM
Kansas Terri Kansas Terri is offline
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PK, I got my nursing degree about 30 years ago. What you are describing is borderline illegal: it is called "patient abandonment".

Blame the hospital for not doing their job.
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Old 05-24-2020, 10:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hawk55732 View Post
If you did not mean to defend her, especially with your last line that I bolded, then you need to work on what you are trying to convey. Your entire post sounds like you are defending her.

How you interpreted the line you bolded:

Quote:
Those who are lucky enough to have never had to be one need to STFU... because they have no clue of the havoc it can wreak on a person's life.
... to be a defense of her actions is solely your interpretation... no one else puts me on blast for that.. only you.


You're a mod.. and I respect what you do but to insinuate that as my point FIRST with-out clarifying it, is FULL ON rude, condescending, and just plain disrespectful.

Now I understand why JDY left..
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Old 05-25-2020, 05:20 AM
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I just saw coverage of the incident on TV.

All I can say she can be thankful the police got her and not me. May she burn in Hell.
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Old 05-25-2020, 09:23 AM
PurpleKitty PurpleKitty is offline
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Terri, I have been hosed a lot of ways... it doesn't surprise me.

I think these days when they hear I have been caring for him like this so long they don't worry and they're right.

But back in 2003 it was me, him, and a very slow internet connection. I had to figure out a lot of it on my own. That's why I have such empathy for other caregivers. No one had very high hopes for him even now and I think he has done very well considering.

Yes, he drinks. Who wouldn't? But right now he is happy in his bed with the cat. I am singing Tik Tok to my cat, petting her, and giving her treats.

Back to original story I do hope the truth, whatever it is, comes out.
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Old 05-25-2020, 10:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steverino View Post
How you interpreted the line you bolded:



... to be a defense of her actions is solely your interpretation... no one else puts me on blast for that.. only you.


You're a mod.. and I respect what you do but to insinuate that as my point FIRST with-out clarifying it, is FULL ON rude, condescending, and just plain disrespectful.

Now I understand why JDY left..
If you cannot understand why what you wrote makes it sound like you are defending her I cant help that part. However, if that isnt what you meant, then my apologizes.

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Old 05-25-2020, 11:41 AM
PurpleKitty PurpleKitty is offline
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What I took from it he gets it... you either do or don't.

One thing I have found helpful is checking on him every 10 minutes or so when I am awake to see if he needs something. It is frustrating otherwise.
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Old 05-25-2020, 01:11 PM
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Caretaker burnout?

... Or ...

A mother with mental issues of her own.

We won't probably ever know what really led up to it. But she did kill her son when there were multiple avenues for doing something other than that. I have never understood people doing things like that. In her case, she could have easily found care for the son and then just walked away. That kinda of makes me believe she isn't right in the head either.
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Old 05-25-2020, 01:17 PM
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Temporary insanity.
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Old 05-25-2020, 02:13 PM
PurpleKitty PurpleKitty is offline
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Well, and I am all for an affirmative defense of caregiver burnout - she did try twice. That is pretty damning.

Back in Jan I had reached the end of my rope he was just being horrible, we were both under a lot of stress, having our pipes redone, he was very upset we had to borrow the money from my Dad, he drank a lot and his foot started bothering him about the time they started cutting out the pipes. So he believed the plumbers were causing him physical pain and was screaming at them. The one plumber was ready to walk off the job.

I was pretty distraught. I did not "do" anything but call to get him evaluated by an ambulance. They sent police instead who shouted at me, some help.

But point being I reached out for help instead of doing something regrettable. I would have just left the house but the plumber was there.

And that is what "we" are supposed to do when you're at the end of your patience, reach out. I have been (rightly) very critical about the "help" available to us but I do have some numbers I can call.
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