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Old 10-17-2009, 08:35 PM
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BJJ_Grappler BJJ_Grappler is offline
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Default the ULTIMATE mall ninja thread



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Someone asked me what a mall ninja was. Here is the explanation.

I am about to define and describe the ancient and mysterious traditions of the rare mall ninja. Not to be confused with "nylon ninjas", or "keyboard commandos", these elite members of society are prepared to engage a foreign or domestic enemy at a moment's notice. Many are in training but only a few make it.



Definition
m-aal nin-jAH : An inexperienced (or even sometimes experienced), over-enthusiastic weapon owner (usually firearm), who's primary modus operandi (that's mall ninja talk) includes dressing and equipping for combat in an otherwise peaceful urban environment. The mall ninja can often be found carrying more than one weapon of the same type, handcuffs (although legally unable to perform an arrest), wearing ballistic vests or tactical gear while performing mundane daily tasks such as mowing the lawn.


Characteristics
Sex: Primarily males
Age: Teens to 40's
Race/Ethnicity: Primarily caucasian
Body Type: Often overweight, sporting a gut, however the occasional athletic mall ninja can be spotted and may be harder to identify until spoken to.
Marital Status: Often Single/Virgin but more increasingly Married/Neglected
Hair: Short to Long
Extracurricular Activities: Posing for pictures to post online, weaving tales of heroism and danger, bragging, spurts of exercise, watching war movies for 'tactics', watching the tv show "Cops", buying a foregrip or laser for their DPMS AR-15 or pistol, worrying more about how deadly they look than about the car that is about to run them over.

Notes: Often are adament about a particular brand of gun or knife, camo, nylon etc., they will get into intense debates with anyone who says otherwise. "Fatal funnel", "tactical", "assault", "high-risk", and "hostiles" are all common vernacular. Mall ninjas publicly decry violence but secretly dream of getting into fights because they always win. They often walk around looking for a trigger event that could spark another bloodfest of which they will come out the sole victor while occasionally saving a beautiful [single] young woman. Mall ninjas prepare for "active shooter" scenarios to demonstrate their combat evasion rolls like they do while playing Counter Strike or Call of Duty. Carrying more than one blade or flashlight is not uncommon.

Most mall ninjas will brag about their skills (even if they have none), and their desire to join the Navy SEALs, SWAT, or a "sniper team" but they can't cause they were injured or too deadly. They often talk about the very fact they are carrying a weapon or show it off. Sometimes they will stretch or turn just so you get a glimpse of their "cold steel". Statements such as "stay here, let me check it out", "don't worry, I am armed", or "you are safe now, I have a gun" usually precede a public incident. It is believed that mall ninjas practice in their bathroom mirrors quick-drawing a knife, gun, or one in each hand. It has yet to be proven, but is most likely true. Some species attempt to "dual wield" but usually suck twice as badly as they did with one weapon.


Philosophies
a. "Two guns are better than one, but three is best"
b. "If it's got rails, slap a laser on it"
c. "It's not tactical if it's not black"
d. "Morale patches make the outfit"
e. "Unused PALS webbing = unprepared"
f. "More bandoliers the better"
g. "Threats over the internet are just as valid as face to face"
h. "DVD training = combat experience"
i. "Safety training? Who needs that? This is war!"
j. "You never know when you might need a pair of handcuffs"
k. "When possible, pack a sword"
l. "More mags = more kills"
m. "The chicks dig it"
n. "Watch this!"
o. "A story repeated, is another moment of glory"
p. "Less than lethal is just that - less"
q. "Why go around, when you can go over"
r. "I'm not supposed to talk about it"
s. "The bigger the knife, the better at knife-fighting"


Heroes
1. Chuck Norris
2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
3. Rambo
4. Bruce Willis
5. The A-Team
6. Paul Blart
7. Jean-Claude VanDamme
8. Tony Jaa
9. Arnold Schwarzenegger
10. John Wayne




Habitats

1. Their mother's house/basement
2. Their computer
3. The mall
4. Paint ball / Airsoft events
5. Gun shows
6. Gun ranges
7. Gun stores
8. Knife shows
9. Military battle reenactments
10. Any public place where a random fire fight, with multiple hostiles, may break out




Video Evidence


http://www.youtube.com/user/TerriLi#p/u/3/qO1G__8NNko


Photo Evidence





















Weapons









Cinematic Tributes
1. Mall Cop
2. Observe & Report



Be on the look out for
- camo pajamas
- thigh holsters
- boot blousing
- a desert eagle when a 1911 would suffice
- pistol bayonets
- tactical .22 rifles
- shotgun heat shields
- "breach" style muzzle brakes
- subscription to "Soldier of Fortune" magazine
- ball caps that say "SWAT"
- calling magazines "clips"
- airsoft guns
- Punisher stickers on a gun
- bragging about having a CCW




Words/Phrases Often Associated With Mall Ninjas
1. "Show off"
2. "Tacticool"
3. "Dork"
4. "Virgin"
5. "Public Nuisance"
6. "Harmless"
7. "Just In Case"
8. "Cosplay"
9. "Momma's Boy"
10. "Attention Whore"



References
http://www.americanpolicegroup.com/
http://www.stoegerindustries.com/fir...le_defense.php
http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/
http://www.myspace.com/tacticalsecurityenforcer

Last edited by BJJ_Grappler; 10-17-2009 at 11:33 PM.. Reason: typo correction
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Old 10-17-2009, 08:38 PM
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Through an intense 10 year study, and some insight gained by joining the ranks of the elite mall ninja, I have finally been able to publish my findings.

Some may laugh, some may cry, but don't cross a mall ninja - you will surely die.






BTW this is all a joke ... lol

Last edited by BJJ_Grappler; 10-17-2009 at 11:31 PM..
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Old 10-17-2009, 08:54 PM
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too funny

I think you left out bayonets affixed to their handguns
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Old 10-17-2009, 09:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeep View Post
too funny

I think you left out bayonets affixed to their handguns
he said Pistol bayonets. thumb:
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Old 10-17-2009, 10:58 PM
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w00000000t!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is EPIC.
I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying!!!
:-)
Old 10-17-2009, 11:01 PM
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http://web.archive.org/web/200304011.../JoJosmall.jpg

THAT, is the famous NSFjojo o Ar15.com fame, from around 2002 or so...
Old 10-17-2009, 11:06 PM
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I read that whole thing! I didnt think I could hold that much BS at one time! It is so rediculous that it almost sounds as if someone with some knowledge was simply playing a game and baiting all these guys in.

Too funny though.
Old 10-17-2009, 11:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angeryamerican View Post
I read that whole thing! I didnt think I could hold that much BS at one time! It is so rediculous that it almost sounds as if someone with some knowledge was simply playing a game and baiting all these guys in.

Too funny though.
The "gecko45" thing? That made it's rounds about 7 years ago, on ar15.com, and fullauto.net
I seriously remember that guy.

He was friggin' SERIOUS..

It was lol..
Old 10-17-2009, 11:25 PM
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For the record, I will never forgive you for the naked redneck mallninja.
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Old 10-17-2009, 11:29 PM
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The original Gecko45 thread was one of the funniest things I have ever read.

The responses were the stuff of legend...
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Old 10-17-2009, 11:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kregener View Post
The original Gecko45 thread was one of the funniest things I have ever read.

The responses were the stuff of legend...

"F-you , AROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Old 10-17-2009, 11:34 PM
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Old 10-18-2009, 01:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kregener View Post
The original Gecko45 thread was one of the funniest things I have ever read.

The responses were the stuff of legend...
WARNING
What you are about to read is extremely hilarious,
you are strongly advised to empty your bowels before reading.

Thank You.

http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/


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Old 10-18-2009, 01:48 AM
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Don't forget an AR chambered in .22lr or 9mm rifle.
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Old 10-18-2009, 05:21 AM
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Wow, I'm glad my ass virginity is safe!
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Old 10-18-2009, 08:47 AM
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LOL A species of wildlife I was woefully unaware of!
I just may have seen one or two....
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Old 10-21-2009, 07:30 AM
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Mall ninjas often run around at work (the mall) humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
Old 10-21-2009, 08:11 AM
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirt Fisher View Post
The "gecko45" thing? That made it's rounds about 7 years ago, on ar15.com, and fullauto.net
I seriously remember that guy.

He was friggin' SERIOUS..

It was lol..
it was on GlockTalk also. really funny stuff. Gecko45. just google it.
Old 10-26-2009, 07:35 PM
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Another mall ninja load out:

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Old 10-26-2009, 07:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BJJ_Grappler View Post
Another mall ninja load out:

lol, complete with the 50.00 gunshow katana, 20.00 gunshow fake ASP and the requisite "tactical" knives....


-10 points for the disgraceful use of a "woobie' however....

Priceless.
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