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Old 02-13-2017, 01:24 PM
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Lord,

There is sin everywhere I look, it is even within me. I can see it, on the edge, the mist. I fell apart out here didn't I? What a mess in my head, within my body. I couldn't even tell my own anymore.

I am a light in the dark on the edge of the world and yet I am within it. Just a speck in a tidalwave and I am in awe of you and what you're doing in me.

You give me what you think I need to remind me why I'm here. This clings and melts and washes. Have you seen the Curious George movie? I enjoyed the beginning, then life got in the way. I understand this is how it works, but sometimes these fits and starts are for the pits.

I need it to go slow. I will not let go of my sanity. I don't expect anyone to.

Can we be speechless for awhile? I know we can't, it's not possible, yet sometimes I don't know what to say to you. Your power scares me and your expectations are high. Jesus was a man...how did he do this? It's like starting off feeling inferior with a shining example. I will try.

A night of day, a day of night, fireflies and candlelight...really Lord?

This communication with Peter isn't working. It needs to change, I think he agrees. I think he's trying to assure me that I won't get knocked down again and that I won't lose myself to light....if the dawn stays. Thinking about it makes me shake, I need help and I want to trust Peter. I don't want my eyes to glow, I don't want to be lost to light...

I give it to you.

Sending love,
Your child,
U.
Old 02-14-2017, 03:25 PM
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Lord,

This fount is amazing you wash over me. It's a flash of pain, mixed with laughter. It's like walking a two sided memory and realizing the best part of self, then trying to hold onto it. Savor it.

There was honesty given and appreciation of such.

I'm not sure all of what I feel within me...so much at times it's as if I can't process it fast enough. The hand, the heart, and this feeling like coming home. It's a smile and a look, mending a heart broken.

A mis-step taken, a long held breath and the sweet release, exhale. I'm struggling with what's in my mind and the message, best friend. It comes with images and I want to touch them. Oh how I crave to hold that face...and cry, laugh, smile. Its hard to trust. I question if this is just one more thing I have to go through. One more wash of memories that isn't what I understand it to be. I wonder if this is the one that I wouldn't come back from.

I give it to you and ask for strength.

Sending love,
Your child,
U.
Old 02-14-2017, 07:13 PM
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Lord,

How is this possible? I didn't remember this, how...I don't know if I can be mad at you because I question if this is my own fault. I didn't know where 'home' is or who is there. That knowledge if I understand correctly came today. I am upset with myself...and I want to go home. I don't know if he'll have me.

Lord this is my messy life. I dont know if its ok, if its not, if it should or shouldn't be. I just feel it with everything in me. I need to be there. I give it to you.

Sending love,
Your child,
U.
 
Old 02-15-2017, 11:28 AM
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Lord,

It's hard to describe what I'm feeling. It's like sitting on the cusp of something once thought impossible. Things are still settling within me, and I have a smile that creeps in from the edges of my spirit.

I want to hold myself here for awhile, I don't want to lose what I've gained. This feeling...I don't know if you've ever felt it. I know you understand it, maybe you've felt it through Jesus? I know it's not something you had to go through, yet I know you understand. I don't want to lose it, it feels like the right side of self.

I don't want to let go. I feel like you've given me a gift and it's more than I can imagine.

Sending love,
Your child,
U.
Old 02-15-2017, 01:34 PM
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Lord,

Without losing my mood, I have a vision that I haven't completely brought to you. It came to me the other night and it was beyond moving...it was damaging. I could see myself surrounded in a strange place, with the understanding of what had been happening, and I saw myself bring my arms up, fists clenched, curling into myself, it was painful. The pain so deep, all I could do was cry. I sobbed in the moment it came to me. I haven't forgotten it, I can't hold onto it too much though, because it'd break me again. It's a piece of all this I know. It's time I gave it to you.

I'm only human and I make mistakes. I believe sometimes my spirit goes places I would not like it to go. I feel like I should say something, if I went somewhere I shouldn't have it was unintentional. Lord, let them understand I clearly stated no deception. No defilement...and I meant it. Somehow it feels that lines are being blurred and that isn't acceptable. I like where this is going...I like the me I'm becoming. I don't want to go back.

I have this image in my head from the memories coming back. I think I know who my best friend is, but it's like my mind won't accept it...or I doubt what I saw. I want so much to know for sure except I'm not really sure how to go about it. This idea is tickling the edge of my mind. I need to ponder it....I know I don't want to let those images go without knowing. Something inside me is screaming when I think of them. It's like it won't let me let go...

Sending love,
Your child,
U.

For some reason a line from Nowhere town by Billy Currington is echoing in my head. "map dot, camelot, lost and found..."
Old 02-16-2017, 09:09 AM
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Lord,

Everytime I bring something to you, you bring me to it, as hard or as painful as it is, you take me there to that moment. You knew as much as I didn't think I could, I had to. I can see it before me and I'm shaking still. A dream, but not, touched on the edge of sanity, and the edge of terror. It's a shaky day lord...a shaky day.

Please take this message where it needs to go.

Sending love,
Your child,
U.

William...

How many times have you had to pick me up out of the gutter? How many times have I landed within an inches breath and needed to hear you got me? "I got you." Rocking... Oh how I want to sit there, I can feel it, I can see it. Hear the water.

William I wanna hear you with my ears. I wanna see you with my eyes....not you know...William please I feel like I'm breaking.
Old 02-17-2017, 09:48 AM
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(I wrote this last night)

Lord,

Today was awful. As I process and more comes back I feel like I did this to myself, shutting everyone out. It was so messed up in my head, so convoluted, I was lost within it. As I'm trying to process and find myself I'm held here, in this spot. I struggled all day with what I was remembering. I turned into myself and cried, shaking, feeling the sobs of the past. I sat in the moment of terror and self awareness curled into a little ball. I held myself there today, all day. I didn't want to forget it or how I was when I was there.

My goal is for it to stop. I don't want to wake in places I didn't put myself to bed. I will keep myself from everyone, I have, it doesn't work. It came to me today that no one around me knows what I'm going through at this moment. No one in my family, no one. I couldn't explain it if I tried, so I don't bother. Maybe I don't give them enough credit, or maybe no one would understand.

Several times today I just wanted to go home, curl up in bed, and cry. This is what I didn't want to face, couldn't hold, or look at. Memories come so fast and it's like they flow from one to another, jumping around. I start to feel and understand an emotion, then my mind is taken someplace else. It feels wrong. It feels like I"m pushed past this spot that I feel is connected to William and it doesn't feel right leaving it.

I would rather stay back in this moment than take another step without William. That's how strong the feeling is, yet I don't know if it's correct. At times I thought I could feel him today and that was a lie.

It's like I can't get the boundaries understood. I had to explain them again today. I don't know how to make them more clear. Other's ideas of myself, how I should be, or what I was...it's hard, echos of the past, confusion, lack of knowledge, and understanding. My own unwillingness to see and now being pushed to get past this moment. When this process, this moment is making me feel more like my true self, my higher self, my true spirt. I want to stay this way.

It feels like a script laid out they want and I rebuke it. The only thing I know for certain is that I'm here now, and I haven't been for a long time. Something inside me is saying I should be going through this with William. Maybe that's wrong, but I won't have anyone else tell me that, but him.

There's something about this spot, I know it's important.

Sending love,
Your child,
U.
Old 02-17-2017, 10:50 AM
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Lord,

As I lay in bed last night settling and starting to drift off I had several visions. It was good, a couple I'm not sure of anything other than seeing figures. One of the visions struck me. It was very clear... I saw a man, from behind and to his left. He was wearing something like a robe, he had brownish hair and a beard. There was what appeared to be a gun to the base of his neck. That...is not cool. I have a strong feeling he should not be harmed. I don't know who he is, where he was, nothing. I only know I saw him, and I ask you to protect him. This is the kind of stuff that unnerves me Lord. Please...I put you between him and his enemies.

I woke up at four this morning with knowledge I still feel is on the cusp of my consciousness. It was as if I knew what I needed to do. I need to raise my arms, palms out, fingers up, cross them in front of myself and say stop. This is where I want to be. I will make my own choices, I will determine what's best for me. I am, and it's okay. I can still feel the moment, surrounded by the unknown, the fear, the uncertainty...and I want to walk this way, within self this time. I don't know how to say thank you. It's like the opportunity to change a moment.

There's another memory/vision that was given that I have been thinking a lot about. It meant a lot and I didn't understand. I'll get there Lord.

Sending love,
Your child,
U.

Last edited by Unique; 02-17-2017 at 03:09 PM.. Reason: add to/sentence
Old 02-18-2017, 03:16 AM
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Lord,

People I remember bits of are showing themselves to me...it's really neat to be working out some issues, and working through this. I should've known you wouldnt leave me alone. This moment that makes me curl inside myself has been a difficult moment to face. I held onto something though, and I think it's what helped me find what I locked in my heart. It's where... If you hate a moment, you can change it...came from.

Sending love,
Your child,
U.
Old 02-19-2017, 12:09 PM
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Lord,

I think I've realized that what people want from me is not what I can give them. It's like life, we put on our false armor and go out into the world carrying our scars. The part of me they want to see is locked inside right now.

This moment that you need me to understand. The crushing of a soul, the ultimate, realization. Worse than feeling stripped and exposed.

I could dance, I could shimmy...ask maestro for a gift. I could laugh, try to play. No amount of reliving the past can change that my touch feels wrong. I've been living that way for a long time. It would be a brave face, not mine. On the inside that's not how I feel. I don't want to feel like I have one headlight. I don't want to feel like I can't have my own mind. I live in this world too.

I know where I wanna be, and I can see it, feel it. I just figured out where it is. I'm going to save a little and go there. I wanna see it with my own eyes.

Hold this feeling to me Lord, because I no longer want to feel an embarrassment to you. To myself. Or to anyone.

Sending love,
Your child,
U.
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Old 02-22-2017, 01:30 AM
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Your words remind me of a saying, Lo Que es Amar;
What it is to love, and to walk with the spirit of the Christ so close in your heart I pray that you will be blessed with all the goodness of God's promise to the faithful.
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Old 02-22-2017, 04:36 AM
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Default Forget My Small Issues, How About Some Help on the BIG Ones

Lord,

Please overlook my small issues, but please do help the President. He's trying to stop our slide into the sewer.

The world is not getting better & safer. Our local pedophiles, criminals and leftists appear to be protected by law now, but suppress our childrens' school prayers.

Any help would be appreciated!

Thanks in advance.
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Old 02-22-2017, 10:15 AM
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He hears you...and so did I. I don't know how you did it, but I did, do. Through the fire.

You jumped out and hugged me...I hugged you! I scared you half to death once...I'm crying. Happy crying. I can see myself looking around. We did it. All the way to happiness. I don't know how to thank you.

Oh God, the hands. Anytime, anywhere, anything...just hit your fists together...I can hear you, "you know how." I'm overwhelmed...a good cry. *face palm* Something's....just oh my God. I still wanna hug you, but I understand if I've completely driven you crazy.
Old 02-22-2017, 01:01 PM
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Lord,

Thank you for bringing me to this place, this moment, the feeling settling in me I can't explain. Thank you for the people trying to touch my life, because for a long time I wasn't sure I wanted it. I do. I'm still a little emotional, one minute I'm laughing, can't control my inner smile, the next I'm overwhelmed and crying. I don't feel worthy, but I am so grateful.

Sending love,
Your child,
U.
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